I haven’t had much luck finishing a post but this should be easy… It’s a list of the things I miss the most about life with Carey.
In no particular order.
I miss eating dinner together. Even if it was only in front of the television (but now we have benches for our dining room table). I miss our weekends together. Saturday was a ‘free day’ for each of us. I could spend it sitting in front of my computer, we could make plans, we could climb out of bed and without speaking, quietly spend a half hour cleaning up the house. I miss our Sunday mornings. Carey would sit on the couch with her computer or cook breakfast. Coffee. Or I would start some coffee and ask “isn’t your show on in a bit?” She would spend an hour watching ‘Meet the Press.’ I might sit with her for a moment or I might check email and browse the internet. But I always felt close. I miss our weekends in general. We don’t get those anymore. I work on Sunday. So we have Saturday together. It just isn’t enough. It never feels right. Like there is just too much lost time together and things to do to make up for. I miss going to bed together. At a reasonable hour. But for the longest time now, Carey has been in bed (asleep) before I even get home from work. And for whatever reason, I would stay up late (and drink) and slide into bed a few hours later. I wouldn’t have to wake up until 10am. She’s out of bed at 4:45am. I miss the rare morning when we would wake up together sometime during the week and I’d catch a glimpse of her daily morning routine. It was a window into the quiet moments of her day when I am usually sleeping. I miss writing to her. About her. For her. Yes, we have our post-it notes and we have our dry erase board on the fridge. And each of those provides us a chance to say “I love you” in whatever way possible. But to spend this long communicating through post-it’s or messages on the fridge lacks satisfaction. It drains me. Us. Emotionally. Those things should be EXTRA tidbits of life and love, not born from a need to survive the fact that we don’t see each other enough. I miss our day trips. Even if it meant that Carey had to pull me out of the house. A giant greenhouse, the lake, the anti-cruelty society, some dunes and a beach in another state, a lagoon, Milwaukee, the park to toss a frisbee only to have my shorts tear open, a little diner for breakfast or home depot to buy gardening supplies… I miss them. I miss making love. I miss making out. I miss holding hands (we don’t do any of it enough. We don’t SEE each other enough). I miss NOT being physically and emotionally exhausted. I’ve always been ‘tired’ but these days I’m exhausted. So the time we do have together, I feel like such a dud. And Carey is understanding. But I miss the days when she didn’t have to be so understanding. I miss days when work didn’t interfere with my time at home. When I didn’t get text messages or phone calls or be obligated by my position to spend countless non-scheduled hours doing job related work. I miss being healthy. With her and for us. I miss drinking a glass of wine (not alone) and listening to music in the house with her. I miss knowing I would be home to watch our show each week. And ordering Thai. I miss having a life with her.
