Monthly Archive for July, 2007

Betrayal and intent

Published on July 29, 2007 in Uncategorized. 12 Comments

So Kelly and I have talked.
Regardless of my own mistakes (not trusting the relationship/understanding that Kelly and I have developed enough to tell her about things) I am still left feeling exceedingly betrayed.

It turns out that one of you, the 24 people on my friends list, took it upon themselves to email Kelly some screenshots of my recent (protected) entries.

So how am I supposed to feel? What am I supposed to do? My initial reaction was to remove myself from the land of livejournal. You win. But it bothers me that one of you on my friends list does not respect me enough, or the trust I give to you when writing in my journal, to keep the things I choose to keep as such… private. Regardless of whether you think it’s right or not.

So. I still don’t know what I’m supposed to do. Unless this person comes forward, I have no way of knowing which of you it was. Livejournal has always entailed a certain amount of faith and trust but at this point, I don’t feel comfortable writing about anything more than the weather or what I ate for breakfast. How can I share my personal life with people that can’t be trusted with such information?

Go one step above friends only and just make my journal private? Sure. That’s an option. But what’s the point of having ‘friends’ to my journal if nobody can read it.

Moving on.

Published on July 26, 2007 in Uncategorized. 12 Comments

For reasons that I’m not in the mood to share, I’m closing up shop. I am shutting down my Livejournal and MySpace page (basically my online existence). My life will once again be mine. Only mine. Privacy.

This is cryptic yes. Most of you have no idea what’s going on. One of you obviously does. If you want to keep in touch, feel free to send me an email at averagenathan at gmail d0t com. For the rest of you, take care.

You look wonderful tonight

Published on July 25, 2007 in Uncategorized. 0 Comments

She asked me if I wanted to go see a Broadway show in Chicago with her while I’m there. It would be a ‘night out on the town.’ She dumbfounds me in the best of ways.

… I really need to go shopping for some new clothes. Maybe buy something that actually fits again.

The Currency of the Unknown

Published on July 24, 2007 in Uncategorized. 0 Comments

My heart dreams of holding you close. Of the smell of your hair and the touch of your skin. Your fingertips on my cheek and that look in your eyes. I cannot remember the last time I felt like this. So near loving you and knowing openly how ridiculous that sounds. Each day closer to ‘hello’ feels like drowning. The most peaceful way to die they say. But oh, to drown in this feeling is something I would willingly accept if it meant I could leave the world with these words as my last.

This poetry is yours Carey. These words belong to you. Each one would not exist if it weren’t for you. And I say this with the utmost sincerity. And these words, they are free. They require no currency or repayment. I can only hope they come to you with the same honesty in which they were written.

I miss you. And I miss the sound of your voice. I miss your gentle touch and the moments in between. Tennessee Williams said, “In memory everything seems to happen to music.” And here I sit with thoughts of you. Memories that have yet to be created, a future that has yet to be sealed and a soundtrack that is being written day by day, moment by moment.

I could ask for no better foundation than this.

Secrets revealed

Published on July 24, 2007 in Uncategorized. 0 Comments

After my dream the other night, I spoke with Carey on the phone and just the sound of her voice and the thought that I would soon be there was too much for me. I couldn’t keep the secret. I wanted her to know. So… I told her.

I told her about the dream.
I was on my way ‘home’ to Chicago to see her. I was kidnapped and held in my parents old house where the woman who kidnapped me drugged me. Stuck me with a needle. I couldn’t think straight. I couldn’t escape. The woman held a yard sale and sold off much of my parents belongings. Old paintings I had hoped to have one day. So much nostalgia, spread out on the front lawn and I could only watch from a window as people came to purchase my past.

At some point I managed to stagger my way out through the garage and headed out into the woods. Away from her. Away from captivity. Mile after mile of cloudy thoughts I ran. I received a text message on my phone. It was Carey.

“I haven’t heard from you in three days. Something has changed. I am sorry.”

I cannot explain the heartache I felt at that moment. It was with me when I woke. It was with me most of the afternoon until I spoke with Carey. Emotional devastation. I was lost in the woods with my cloudy thoughts and a text message saying goodbye.

I called 911 and told the dispatcher that I had been kidnapped. That I just wanted to go home. She didn’t believe me and hung up the phone.

End dream.

So as I was sitting outside on my break from work, I talked with Carey. I told her of my dream. I told her of how lost I felt when I woke up. She wanted to be here to hold me, to comfort me upon waking and my heart said, “You are home now.”

Before I could stop myself, I had told her… I think I prefaced it with something like, “I have a secret to tell you…” to which of course she probably thought something horrible. “I will be there soon.” I said. “I’m coming up August 10th.”

She didn’t believe me. She said, “You’re joking right? Are you serious? … I feel lightheaded.”

And I know that surprising her would have been exciting. I don’t though regret telling her. If anything, it has made the anticipation ever more potent, knowing that she is just as happy as I am about our meeting.

I will be home soon.

Well??

Published on July 22, 2007 in Uncategorized. 4 Comments

I had the worst dream last night.

For a lover of words, to have none says something.

Published on July 21, 2007 in Uncategorized. 0 Comments

She said it best. “Okay…. so we really like each other… We’re dead.”
I have no words for the way she makes me feel. I am scared shitless and the tension/longing/anticipation is both killing me and making me fly.

I make crazy time.

Published on July 21, 2007 in Uncategorized. 4 Comments

I’ve spent a week trying to come up with reasons to NOT do what I just did. Needless to say, I wasn’t able to come up with any.

I just booked a ticket to Chicago for three days. I leave Friday, August 10th.

She and I have ‘known’ each other for years via livejournal. It wasn’t until a month or so ago that we started exchanging emails. It was she that I made the book for. There was talk about my going up to visit in October although we both openly wished it could be sooner.

I can’t very much explain how lovely she is and how lovely our emails have become and still do them justice. I wake each day hoping she’s written. We dream together of seasons and bed and breakfasts. Winding roads and discovery.

Two weeks ago I had a thought. I contacted her friend / roomate (via myspace) and asked if he thought it was a good idea to surprise her. With his help, he found out that she has no plans on the weekend involved and he even suggested to her that they make plans to go out that Friday night.

I fly into Chicago that Friday afternoon and will have to entertain myself for a few (lots) of hours but the plan is that he’s going to let me know where they’ll be and I’ll show up there.

So.. here’s to adventure.

I love apple juice.

Published on July 21, 2007 in Uncategorized. 0 Comments

I’ve had an unspoken (until now) need to fly lately. I’m feeling restless. Work is good. Work is fine. But I can’t sit still at home. I feel neurotic. I want to move the furniture. I want to pack up all of my belongings and live among the boxes. I want to go somewhere and not come back. Not to run away. No. I’m beyond that now. But I feel a burning in my chest that screams for something more. Maybe it’s just the music I’m listening to right now that brings this out in me. The craving for new experiences. Routine is good yes. I run. I excercise. I work. I sleep. I feed the dog. I want to pick up a guitar. To create music. To sing. To sit on a beach alone and watch the stars. To think. To see old friends. To feel old comforts. To hug my parents. To meet my nephew (again). To cry at a good movie. To curl up with a good song and a coffee. To dance in the rain. To stub my toe. To talk with the squirrels in the front yard. To feel a breeze. To feel the presence of the world on my skin like I used to. Maybe I’m getting close again. Maybe this is a new beginning. Maybe.

I need to make a complaint!

Published on July 20, 2007 in Uncategorized. 0 Comments

She canceled. Understandable actually. She’s studying for the bar exam and her test is in three days. She sent me a text. Fair enough.

I wrote back, “Oh sure! Got all dressed up and put my hair in curlers for nothin! Hah! Actaully, I completely understand. With your test only days away it’s more important that you get all of your studying out of the way. I’d still like to take you out for dinner. Open invitation. Just let me know. Good luck on your test.”

I did everything I was supposed to do. I’m not upset. I reaffirmed my interest in taking her out to dinner. I left the ball in her court and I kept my text pretty simple. So technical hah. If she never calls, so be it. If she does call, it means she actually wants to go out for dinner.