I’m getting the sinking feeling that something has changed between us… (??)
Monthly Archive for May, 2007
I’ve started this post a million times and found myself too overwhelmed and confused as to where I’m supposed to start.
Kelly. I’ve written about her in at least one previous (public) post. The 19yr old girl I met at work and have been spending a lot of time with. My breath of fresh air… and where to go from here? I laugh when I’m around her. I act like a fool when I’m around her. We do fun things together. We do nothing together. We make out. We go to the beach at 2am and eat french fries. We watch movies. We’re going kayaking with a ‘picnic lunch’ on Wednesday, followed by a ‘cookout’ at my dads house. We want to go on road trips. We draw pictures for each other. She left me with a note and some doodles before she left for Georgia this past weekend. One for each day she’d be gone. She made me a postcard when she was away because she couldn’t find any to send me. She looks into my soul instead of just looking at my eyes. She says things like “you FASCINATE me.” and “Nathan… I really LIKE you.” (complete with a silly grin) Her smile is uplifting and her touch gives me the chills. She acts silly when the lights are on and so mellow I could fall asleep on the couch, running my hands through her hair when the lights are off. She paints on plywood and keeps bottlecaps from work to make things with. We’ve been on the same page since we met… and yet I still know so little about her.
Our level of intimacy has grown. We make out at times and other times we just kiss. We hold hands. We touch each other (secretly) at work when we pass by one another… and we haven’t slept together. There is a part of me that screams out in frustration at not being able to rip her clothes off and another part of me that wants nothing more than to fall asleep next to her every night.
I’ve not had much luck with ‘love’ in the past so my definitions may be slightly skewed but there are moments when I’m looking at her and in my head I say “I love you… and this moment with you.” and it feels okay.
And I guess that’s what I’m getting at… it feels okay. I’m not worried that I just got out of a relationship because neither of us have plans to jump into one. I just wanted to tell myself that it’s okay to feel.
She’ll be headed back to school in a few months. She’ll be volunteering with her church. She’ll be going away on a mission to Ukraine.
… but it feels okay.
Do personal computers have ONE static IP address or does it change? I didn’t realize that LiveJournal had a session log until just now. Looked at it and this is what I found:
Prior Login Sessions Login Time IP Address User Agent
Sun, 27 May 2007 17:47:29 GMT 70.127.171.182 Mozilla/4.0 (compatible; MSIE 7.0; Windows NT 5.1)
Fri, 25 May 2007 14:10:44 GMT 65.35.35.208 Mozilla/4.0 (compatible; MSIE 6.0; Windows NT 5.1; SV1; CMS Music Store2 v1.00.13 (Music Store,1033)
Wed, 23 May 2007 02:23:48 GMT 65.35.35.208 Mozilla/4.0 (compatible; MSIE 6.0; Windows NT 5.1; SV1; CMS Music Store2 v1.00.13 (Music Store,1033)
Mon, 21 May 2007 23:54:53 GMT 65.35.35.208 Mozilla/4.0 (compatible; MSIE 6.0; Windows NT 5.1; SV1; CMS Music Store2 v1.00.13 (Music Store,1033)
Mon, 21 May 2007 16:58:15 GMT 70.127.171.182 Mozilla/4.0 (compatible; MSIE 7.0; Windows NT 5.1)
Mon, 21 May 2007 16:56:14 GMT 70.127.171.182 Mozilla/4.0 (compatible; MSIE 7.0; Windows NT 5.1)
Mon, 21 May 2007 04:10:22 GMT 65.35.35.208 Mozilla/4.0 (compatible; MSIE 6.0; Windows NT 5.1; SV1; CMS Music Store2 v1.00.13 (Music Store,1033)
My IP address (right now) appears to be 70.127.171.182
Did a quick IP search for the other one and this is what I came up with.
IP Address Country (Short) Country (Full) Flag Region City ISP Map
65.35.35.208 US UNITED STATES FLORIDA ROCKLEDGE ROAD RUNNER HOLDCO LLC
What the heck is Road Runner Holdco LLC?
I don’t think I’ll ever really understand people. I used to think I did.
Bianca’s current away message on AIM is as follows:
“im not complaining or anything but i think its kind of funny how a month ago you told me that you didn’t like anyone but now shes the only thing you do… and your old friends once again fall by the wayside… ironic? i think not.”
So besides ’strike out at me’… that away message is pretty pointless. Why is she so angry? Why does she think she has a right to keep lashing out at me as though ‘all of this’ is my fault? I’ll take blame for some of our past relationship misfortunes but I won’t take credit for all of them.
And so out of curiosity, I went to check out her MySpace page. A recent blog entries was rather interesting.
Monday, May 28, 2007
Things are changing for the better and pretty quickly… its really strange, that given this little bit of time, living without that someone, I feel like I am a complete person. I dont need someone else to complete me, and certainly not the person I THOUGHT I needed. People in our lives are just supposed to ADD to our lives, or accent us in some positive way. Really and truly it’s going to be a long time before I feel like i can trust in someone again, that way that I let myself trust, and not worry that my trust will be betrayed.
I just want to say today I kissed someone and didnt think about you at all… I didnt feel wrong or guilty. I felt like a normal, attractive, intellegent, whole being. And I’m okay with that.
Rant warning:
And Ive got my pink comforter and sheets on my bed… I love pink. yeah im girly, no im not materialistic, wealth is not my sole objective in life, im never going to be earthy, or tom-boyish, all i can say is im feminine… and for a while i felt like i had to repress that because it didnt fit with you. Fuck that. Im a female, I like cute girly things, i take time and pride in my appearance, ill be dying my hair till im buried, I like clothing, and shoes (as impractical as they may be), and make up, and purses… But i’m not typical in anyway….I am unique to me…And I like me even if you dont. Because sometimes I dont think you even like yourself.
If she truly liked herself, I don’t figure she’d still feel the need to attack me indirectly when I’ve done nothing to instigate such things.
Fuck, I’m glad that she’s kissing people. I’m glad that she can finally preach about “I am woman, hear me roar.” I’m glad that she’s able to say “I like me… even if you don’t.” But for the love of God… give the internet guerilla warfare a rest.. get on with your life and embrace your own words.
I don’t think I’ll ever really understand people……. even if I think I do.
So this is really starting to annoy me…
One day I went to Livejournal and noticed that I had been logged out. I don’t like being logged out. So of course, I logged back in… or tried to. I got a message that my password was incorrect (although it’s been the same password for a century and a half). I jumped through all of the hoops and changed my password, went back to Livejournal, logged back in and told it to ‘remember me.’ Lo-and-behold, a few days later, I come back to Livejournal and I’m logged out again. I think “doh. damn you LJ.” and log back in… or try to. I get a message saying my password is incorrect.
“WHAT THE CRAP?!”
I’ve now had to change my password about 8 times and every few days I get logged out and have to do it again. What is going ON here?!
Bianca and I had plans for her to come pick up what was left of her stuff tonight. I thought maybe we could grab a bite to eat first but my desire for food hasn’t been the same lately. On the way to Starbucks where we decided to meet, I drank a V8 (which I’ve become nearly addicted to these last few weeks) and when I got to SBUX, I realized that I wasn’t really hungry anymore.
So instead of getting food, we just came back to the house. Everything seemed okay for a short time. She said hello to Tucker, drank a beer and smoked a cigarette outside. We sat on the couch and talked about the weather (eg. how was work, how is life in general etc) but as soon as we had run down the list of menial things to talk about, the silence got really uncomfortable. There was a lot of “So, yeah” and “ummm.. yup.” I took that opportunity to start putting her stuff in the car.
When I had finished, I came back inside and we went back to the uncomfortable silence until she said “so yeaaah. I should probably go.” I walked her to the car, gave her a hug and didn’t know what else to say. I could see that she was getting upset. Her eyes started to water and I felt bad for seeing her like that. I know it’s only momentary and that in time things will ultimately get better for her… heck, it seems they have already started from what she’s told me… but the one thing that’s been missing for the last few weeks is any communication / visiting between her and I. Hopefully tonight isn’t too shitty for her and with tomorrow, she can go back to the way things were just hours before she stopped by to get her stuff… with things being good and her life getting better.
It’s just awkward to see your ex and realize you have NOTHING to talk about. I know at one point we did and there were times when things were good but what really can you talk about with someone you dated for two years besides the weather and your everyday ho-hum.
In the end, I know it was something that had to be done. She needed the rest of her stuff… but I feel like it’s going to take a LONG time before she and I can really be friends like we want to be.
ps. It’s amazing how draining things like that can be. I feel physically exhausted now.
I’ve lost track of the days. Being the case, I can really only use the phrase “within the last few days” to explain.
Kelly and I kissed. I started a post about it on the 12th but never finished it. We actually kissed a lot. One minute we were watching a movie and the next minute we’re kissing each other. I guess it’s only the natural progression of ‘making out with our hands.’ The next day she came over, we made out again. This time however, it went a little farther. Groping, touching, our bodies pressed together on the couch. Towards the ‘end’ I actually carried her into the bedroom and put her down on the bed. I think we held each other, teased each other and made out for close to two hours that night. We actually talked about it as we were lay there on the bed together. We talked about how we probably shouldn’t let it go any farther than it did. I agree… but it’s really difficult for the both of us.
One of the great things about Kelly it seems is that we’re both very much on the same page as far as what’s going on between us. Within a week, we’ve both become semi-addicted to each others company but we’re both hesitant about taking it any farther than that. The amazing thing however is… I have no problem talking about things with her and vice versa.
And last night.. oh boy.
She came over to finish watching White Oleander, a movie I can say was ‘interesting’ but not great. We’ve gotten comfortable with each other. With proximity. She put her head down on my chest and wrapped her arm across my body and we sat like that, watching the movie until it was over. As soon as it ended however, we went back to making out. I don’t know what it is about Kelly and I tried to explain it to her last night but… there is something about her that makes me feel crazy inside. A good crazy. We kissed for a while. We held each other for a while. At one point she lay across me with her head rested on my leg and we just looked at each other and the way she looks at me… and the way it feels to be with her is insanity. I tried explaining it to her last night but… my insides feel all twisted. Sexually, I want to rip her clothes off and make love to her. It’s almost painful not to kiss her or to look into her eyes but it’s a welcome pain. We’ve done very well at restraining ourselves. Moreso than that however, is the way she looks at me… and touches me and talks to me that feels so intense I could almost cry. I realize that must sound ridiculous but there’s something so unexpected and beautiful about her.
We kept joking last night about how bad we are at ‘not making out’ but followed it up a moment later with more kissing. I don’t really know what to say about it because I’m still so entirely dumbfounded by the whole situation. There appears to be no pressure for anything more than what we’ve got now and we’re letting our relationship change on its own, one day at a time. And I love that. I love that we’re both a little freaked out by what’s going on but we’re also both very open about it.
It’s strange to me because… were this happening two years ago, when things were a little ‘different’ for me… Kelly and I would most likely have already slept together. I would have gotten bored and I’d have ended up destroying this amazing thing. So I thought last night about how strange it was that I didn’t feel like I was in control. In the past, I’d been in similar situations as far as intimacy but they were very calculated. I was horrible. I freely admit that. I made a LOT of mistakes. But I would have said only those things that I knew SHOULD be said because they were the things I felt the other person wanted to hear.. and it usually ended with me sleeping with them. WIth Kelly, however, I say the stupidest things. I say what’s on my mind. I’m being completely honest about the fact that I don’t know what’s going on and I think it’s amazing. I’ve lost control of the situation with the exception of my self control (still needs some work!). I don’t want to screw this up with her. I like her and I like how our relationship “is changing one day at a time.” (something she mentioned last night)
I dunno. I’m so stupid right now.
It’s so great, in the matter of a day… a few hours (?!) I’ve found myself the proud parent of insane desire for more ‘quiet time.’ Not alone time… just quiet time. It always amazes me how quickly I can go from wanting to socialize again to wanting to spend time at home listening to music and drawing, reading or watching good movies.
I think Kelly and I have gotten together every night for the last week (?!) She came over on Thursday night and we listened to music, watched another episode of Planet Earth, sat on the couch and drew each other doodles and played some Tony Hawk Pro Skater (her suggestion) at which she kicked my ASS.
So earlier this evening (Friday) I went up to Starbucks (it’s where I work these days) to drop off a mix cd that I had made for Kelly. She was actually the one that started the whole ‘mix cd thing.’ Two days after we met at work, she told me she had made me something “because you seem like the kind of person that would appreciate it.” She made me a mix cd with some great music on it. Stuff I’d not heard before but music that fit my mood at the time perfectly. So with that being said, I thought I’d make HER a cd of music that she’s not familiar with as well. I didn’t have any scissors to cut out the drawing I made for the cover of the cd case but I figured if I was going to drop it off to her at work anyhow, I might as well just go there and use THEIR scissors since we’ve got eight pairs at work.
Needless to say, we decided it’d probably be best if we hung out again after work… for the sake of our health and well being. She got off work at 11pm and came over the house. We played some more Tony Hawk (she kicked my ass again), I gave her another piggy-back ride or two… it seems that every time I go outside to have a cigarette, she jumps on my back. I then carry her inside (she opens the door for me) and throw her onto the couch. Good fun.
We figured we’d watch Princess Bride (claaaaaaassic) but when I put the DVD in, my DVD player freaked out and kept giving me error messages so instead we turned up the music and climbed onto the couch. Again, not sure who started it.. but I think we made out with our hands for like 30mins. Taunting, pushing, gently drawing circles alon
So I went to check my MySpace. It appears that she’s taken me off her friends list and set her profile to private. Maybe that’s for the better?
However, it gets better. I got a message in my inbox.
Subject: Nathan Griffin about what an Ex wrote
Message:
If the story an ex posted, Nathan, on theexbook dot com is real, then in my opinion, its not right. I actually took my own time through a link to find you and tell you that I think its not right to treat someone that way when love was involved. Was it love? What was it?
Good luck in the dating world – hopefully this experience will result in better decision making. If what an ex wrote is not true or this is not you, then I apologize for this message. But my ethics may be different than your own. I just wanted to share my point of view, people deserve to be treated with respect, honesty, and loyalty. The site does have a rebuttal section but no rebuttals were made, so either it was not cared about or unknown.
So although it sounded like a ploy, I was curious to see if already the smack had begun to fly. Checked out the site, payed the $3.50 for a ‘month membership’ (who the FUCK would have a membership to a site like that?!), did a search for my name and for my ex’s name and found nothing.
But… how the FUCK do I get a message on MySpace from some unkown person linking me to a site where people talk shit about their ex’s…. unless Bianca has actually gone and posted some shit about her ex somewhere the day after we have our (last?!) argument / discussion.
Anyone know of any ‘talk shit about your ex’ websites out there that I should check out? I don’t believe in irony.
