goddammit I’m seriously going stir crazy.
I can’t sleep. So I end up in bed by 5am. This of course causes me to miss class (yeah, back in college… we’ll see how long that lasts). I honestly don’t even know how many days of class(ES) I’ve missed because I’m having trouble distinguishing one day from the next. I’m 28 fuckin’ years old and I can’t keep a job, I can’t seem to make it through college and in my free time, I work on projects that go nowhere. This is promising.
I’ve got classes tomorrow but I’m supposed to have something for English prepared (not done). I’ve got a quiz in Religion that I didn’t even consider until 10mins ago because I haven’t even thought (literally) to open my notebook until now. The gas tank in my Jeep is filled with air (ie. no gas) which means if I do decide to make it to school…….. I have no idea how I’m going to get there + pay for parking seeing as how I haven’t had a cent to my name for the last three months (literally).
I’ve spent the last three hours trying to figure out how to entertain myself being that I’m not sleepy yet. I thought about working some more on my greeting card site design but gave up for lack of inspiration and wondering whether or not it’s all just a waste of time… as even when I DO finish the layout, I’ve got nobody to build it and I sure as hell don’t know enough about CSS and PHP to do it. Pointless. I checked my MySpace and then realized I’d deleted all of my profile info because MySpace is evil and only wants to lead you into believing that you’re actually forming close bonds and friendships with people when in reality, all the place is a haven for people to advertise shit (which I’ve tried) and get no response.. although there is Dane Cook. The bastard. I tried logging onto one of the many Instant Messengers I’ve got but nobody was online. AIM removed all of my friends, I imagine because I hadn’t used my account in 2+ years. Finally I resorted to cleaning up my Internet Explorer Favorites.
Fuck. Computer games even seem pointless these days. I used to play Everquest because I knew that although it WAS pointless, I didn’t think about it. As soon as I log-in now, I think to myself how utterly stupid it is that I spend 10hrs leveling up my dwarf warrior.
WTF IS WRONG WITH ME?!#@
I spent most of today helping my (now ex) girlfriend pack her stuff. She’s moving out. We’ve officially been split up for a little over a month now but due to the fact that neither of us really hate each other, we’ve still been living together. I was on the move most of the day. When you spend 2+ yrs with someone, you tend to accumulate a lot of stuff together. I figured I’d tackle one room at a time but found myself bouncing between rooms, trying to make sure that I didn’t miss anything in the process. It wasn’t until I sat down on the living room floor to sort some paperwork that I burst into tears.
I love her and I’m going to miss her. Our relationship just wasn’t working anymore. We both have a lot of growing up to do. I have a lot of issues I need to work out and it was through all of this, I came to the realization that I’m in NO place to contribute to a relationship the way I should. Our relationship has been an eye opener. I’ve seen a lot of things in myself that I don’t like. A lot of things I need to change. A lot of things I need to think about.
She’ll be moving back to Spring Hill to live with her grandmother as she did before she moved in with me and although it’s only an hour away, I’ve grown accustomed to having her company. We made a life with each other, regardless of how rocky it was, and I don’t know how well I’m going to cope with the emptiness that comes when she’s finally gone. Just by putting her stuff in boxes, the house has started to feel VERY big and empty… lonely.
I’ve managed to lose touch with most of my real life friends here in the Tampa area over the last few years and the reality is, prior to being in a relationship, I spent most of my time online, trying to make ‘connections’ with people (ultimately all for the wrong reasons) and hoping I’d find ‘the one.’ It’s taken a lot of waking up but I’ve finally come to the realization that I’m probably not going to find her online!
It’ll be interesting to see how I deal with being single again and living alone in this big house. The last time I was really alone here was for a few months back in 2001. From the end of 2001 til now, I’ve always had someone else living here; my brother, my sister, my best friend (now brother-in-law) or some other roomate.
The ironic thing is, when I started my journal five years ago, I was writing for myself… and I managed to get a response from people. Now, when I make a post ‘begging’ for some sort of feedback/interest/motivation etc… the world out there is silent.
Irony. It’s what I’ve come to expect.
An indication of what I’ve been working on for the last six months. Yeah, the blueprint is confusing but it’s something I had to do as I was started to get confused about which pages I had finished, which I hadn’t and which I was missing entirely. It makes sense to me.
Consider this a taste.
 
Shirts are available at littlebigpeople (my Etsy shop)
It’s a shame that I can’t properly display my illustrations online. Having a bad scanner is one reason. The other is that there is just no replacement for seeing a little piece of artwork first-hand. I don’t want to toot my own horn but I like my new ’style.’ It’s even MORE simple and clean than Lump (no folks. I’m not throwing Lump to the curb. He’s my friend too.) But just holding a nice heavy piece of paper with a few simple lines on it… FEELS good. It’s a whole different sensation than viewing it on a computer monitor. But I wanted to do better than my shite digital pictures the other day. So… here is something new (digitally colored).
Oh yeah. I am still drawing.
No but wait…
I had no idea
Crappy digital pictures. One day I’ll have a scanner.
