I wish I knew why we were so fucking different. Maybe then I’d better understand why we act the way we do.
I don’nt know what to say so I’m just going to write for a bit while you’re in there crying on the floor and I’m in here crying in front of my computer.
WE made a decision to split up. I don’t honestly care who had more say in the decision. I really don’t. I’m not on some ego trip. I don’t struggle with my ego whether you believe it or not. I don’t care. WE decided to split up because it was best for us. I’ve made a lot of mistakes in our relationship. The worst of them was that at some point, I shut off when I started wondering if our relationship was going to work and left you standing there. You were guilty of some things as well… but the one I mentioned was me entirely and for that I am sorry. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t love you. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t care about you.
Since WE made the decision to split up, I’ve been confused by how I’m supposed to act. You say that you are ‘okay’ with the idea that we’ve split up and yet, you still want me to say that I love you and you want kisses. And no matter how much you ‘guffaw’ at the idea, I was worried that it was just going to confuse things. Not that you would be confused but that it was going to make it more difficult to leave when the time came.
For me, it’s easier to just shut off. To close down shop and I figured that was just the way it would be easiest for anyone. You claimed otherwise. But you still confuse me. The reason I asked that you not to buy me birthday presents was because I FELT (I had originally typed ‘knew’ but realized that was the wrong word) that again, it would just confuse things. Maybe NOT for you. Maybe you’re okay with buying things for me because you love me even though you know that you don’t have to, but it would confuse me. Because I know that I’ve fucked up enough and taken enough of your money and don’t feel that now that we’re not together and you have an opportunity to save money or spend it on yourself, that you should still be buying me stuff. It makes me feel guilty and although that’s something I feel a lot in my life, it’s not something I enjoy. I appreciate the things you do for me however. More than you realize. And these last few days, I’ve said ‘thank you’ for everything. For the cigs. For the birthday presents. For the pizza dinners. But when you throw that stuff at me in an argument (or literally throw that stuff at me) and say that I’m ungrateful, I don’t understand. I get confused because I thought that by saying “thank you” I was showing you that I appreciate everything. But when it’s brought up in an argument, it makes me feel like I should have done more, like you WANTED me to do more than say ‘thank you’ and I just don’t know what that is which is why I asked you (regardless of the fact that I was yelling) what it was that you wanted from me. Because I just don’t know. I don’t know where, in that aspect of our lives at least, I went wrong or did wrong.
I know that I may not show on the outside how much this whole is bothering/affecting me. That unless I’m angry, you just see me ‘ignoring’ you or using MySpace or something. What you don’t see is me crying in the bathroom at school. Or sitting here typing to you with tears in my eyes. My mom asked me one day a week ago if I was ‘going to be okay.’ She said, I just see this destroying you and I replied with, “no really. I’ll be fine.” Truth of the matter is, none of this is ‘fine.’ It sucks. But we both know that it needs to be. Maybe a bad metaphor but I just thought about that kid who was rock-climbing by himself in Utah last year and had to cut off his arm with a pocket knife to save himself. That’s sorta what it feels like.
