Monthly Archive for May, 2006

The Notebook

Published on May 31, 2006 in Uncategorized. 2 Comments

I was going to write you something beautiful; something to print out and read while you take a bath or to carry with you during your long, morning walks. I was going to write you something that you’d have to let outside at night, before you went to sleep and to sit with you at the local coffee shop as you looked over your lesson plans for the following week, upon which you’d place your frothy cup of hot chocolate. I was going to write you something magical. I was going to… but I’ve decided to save that for another day.

* * *

“On the more personal front, Paul and I broke up. Not sure if you knew that?”

I don’t think I ever really let you go and I wonder if I ever will.

I have dreams about you, ya know. I have always had dreams about you. The most recent came to me last night. It took place a few years in the future and you were now the mother of a beautiful blonde-haired little girl. She looked like you as I remember you when we were children. In the dream, you had built a life for yourself; one that I was no longer a part of. I still loved you; a feeling I had long ago learned to bury for fear our life together would be forever changed had I acted on them and now it was too late.

The reality is I wanted to act on them. I still do. Many times, I’ve wanted to drop everything and fly up to be with you, to see if what we had discovered there on the rocks, under the stars of the past was still there. When I received note of your engagement, I seriously considered showing up at your door to make my objection, but as I told my mother, it was not my right to interfere.

I don’t understand how, after having spent more time apart than together, I still find myself thinking about you as often as I do. When I look up at the stars, as I’ve done hundreds (thousands?) of times over the course of these last few years, the first thing I look for is “our constellation.” And as I’m standing there, my mind wandering off into the darkness of space, I wonder if maybe you too are looking up at the same stars, in the same moment, thinking of me.

I miss your face. Your smile. Your laugh. You are ethereal. Though however intangible you may be, I can still remember the way you made me feel. My body remembers what my mind forgets. I remember sitting on the edge of a fountain with you and the way my body shook, as it does now, when I touched your face. You said to me, “I usually hate people touching my face, but it feels good when you do it.” Will I ever touch the face of another more passionately? I don’t think so. I have dreams about coming back up North, to surprise you as I had done once before and the film plays over and over again in my mind. I want to call you on the phone, a thousand times if I have to, just to hear your voice again. Is all of this just a dream? Am I wrong to want that back?

I can’t remember the last time I spoke with you. There are times when I have trouble distinguishing my life with you as fact or fiction. I wonder sometimes about the validity of my memories and whether you remember it as I do, or if you feel a similar way. I realize that time has a way of changing people. I know that our lives have been lived mostly apart and I rely on my memory to keep you close, but I can’t help but wonder if letting you go a second time is something I will regret for the rest of my life.

And so I ask you, as simply as I can… is all of this just a dream? Do you ever think about me and wonder if maybe, over the course of the twenty-two years we have known each other, there is still something left undiscovered, or, as you have put it many times in the past, are we just better off friends?

Let your heart do the talking.

-Nathan

1963

Published on May 18, 2006 in Uncategorized. 0 Comments

Yesterday was an interesting day. But aren’t they all I guess.

I didn’t make any notes about it yesterday for reasons I can’t put my finger on. Beyond the regular “case of the Mondays” I felt quite strange most of the day. I felt ‘off.’ It had been a difficult weekend with Bianca so I can only assume it was merely an empty energy reservoir that was to blame for the way I felt.

I spent most of the day staring off into space as there wasn’t much work for me to do (I’m sure someone would have been MORE than happy to FIND me work but I didn’t make it obvious that I wasn’t busy). Overall I just felt drained and exhausted, both emotionally and physically.

At around 4:30pm, I called Bianca to ask if she could take some chicken breasts out of the freezer in the hopes that it would thaw enough for us to cook for dinner.

When I arrived home, she was complaining about being itchy all over her body due I’m sure to the tick infestation we have been experiencing in our house for the past three months. Every night before bed, we (I) check the sheets, blankets and pillows for ticks as they are EVERYWHERE. It’s not so much an issue of being eaten while we are awake as when we DO find them on our bodies, they are usually just moving around. It appears though at night while we sleep it’s an entirely different story. I’ve been finding bites on me and she’s been obviously been attacked. I tried to help by putting some baby powder on the bites. She mentioned how “fuckin’ itchy” she was again and I quickly found my tension level growing so I left the room to get away from the source. I realize that maybe it is silly of me to get so stressed out at such a tiny infraction but these days, my ability to cope with things has all but disappeared.

I kept thinking, “If you so fucking itchy… go to the store and get something to help with the bites. They make stuff for that. I can’t solve this problem for you so do something for yourself or quit bitching about it.”

I ended up in the bathroom, which is where I often find myself when I need to get away. While in the bathroom, Bianca asked me what I wanted to eat for dinner. I need to make very clear that when it comes to eating, I am not picky. I eat to stay alive and to make myself feel better when I’m depressed.

Though as is often the case, we have no idea what we are going to eat for dinner. This is for a number of reasons. First on the list is the fact that we’ve only been grocery shopping twice as a couple since we moved in together. What this means is we have NO planned dinners throughout the week. Second on the list is our kitchen is often such a disaster that we rarely have any clean pots and pans. Lastly is a general issue with the kitchen; by this I mean our kitchen lacks cabinet doors, storage space, prep space etc. It is not a place we like to cook.

When thinking about what to eat for dinner, there are a few things which affect my decision. Cost, ease of preparation and how filling it is. Grilled cheese seemed like a good idea. Over the weekend, I drove a large storage bin full of our nasty, dirty dishes to the train tracks by our house and dumped them into the bushes. It had been decided weeks prior to that day, that this was a worthy course of action as our dishes had become so disgusting from sitting in the sink that neither of us would eat off them again even with a good soaking in a bin of industrial cleaner and bleach. What this meant for us however, was that we now don’t own any dishes, pots or pans though we decided to save the frying pan.

* * *

It’s been days (possibly a week) since I started this entry. I haven’t had the time or motivation to finish it so I will post it now and come back to it later.

Looking back through my journal today, I realize how little I’ve posted about my life these past two years. I wonder if this has something to do with the lack of privacy when I write. Bianca and I share a computer desk at home. Our monitors are inches from one another. I realize it seems ridiculous to need privacy to write in a blog that will be read by a number of people anyhow, but I find it easier to write when I am alone. Bianca has a tendency to ‘watch’ what I am writing.

I think I need to come up with a solution as I miss writing here.

They’re finally done.

Published on May 10, 2006 in Uncategorized. 8 Comments

&nbsp

A Daily

Published on May 8, 2006 in Uncategorized. 0 Comments

  • I knew my shirt was wrinkled but I didn’t realize it had stains on it until I got to work. It also has the smell of mildew. I hope I’m the only one who can smell it.

  • Please don’t let Bianca be pregnant.
  • Please don’t let Bianca be pregnant.
  • Please don’t let Bianca be pregnant.
  • Please don’t let Bianca be pregnant.
  • Please don’t let Bianca be pregnant.
  • Please don’t let Bianca be pregnant.
  • I didn’t get much sleep last night. I was very ‘fidgety’ for 2hrs before I fell asleep.
  • This past year, I developed an annoying reaction to stress. I can’t seem to catch my breath so I end up breathing like a fish out of water. It gets so bad that at times I feel like I’m suffocating. Today is one of those days.

    • The problem with stupid decisions is…

    Published on May 7, 2006 in Uncategorized. 0 Comments

    We never really pay much attention to Bianca’s period. It’s just that matter of fact. She’s not on the pill. It’s foolish I realize but when we DO have sex (as rare as that may be), we usually start out with no condom and half-way through, put one on.

    … in between all of the arguing and bad days we’ve been having, we’ve managed to have sex. We tried having sex in the shower just the other day and moved to the bedroom when it got too difficult. I’m guessing it has something to do with the stress I’ve been experiencing lately, but I couldn’t seem to orgasm with the condom on so in a fit of stupidity, I took it off and pulled out when I was ready to orgasm.

    … sex without condoms is stupid. I know that. It makes me paranoid and rightly so. Bianca has already been pregnant once by me and that ended with an abortion.

    We’re pretty sure she is supposed to have her period any day now. The morning following our sexual stupidity, Bianca was saying her stomach didn’t feel good. Oh god. Great. Could this be ‘morning after sickness’?? Two days have passed. Still no period. But it should be any day now?!

    She can’t be pregnant again. Please no. With the problems we have been having in our relationship, it would kill me were she pregnant. I would of course push for another abortion but it’s her body and she didn’t even want to go through the last one. I can only worry every day now in a state of total paranoia and hope she has her period one of these days. I can’t quite think what it would mean in terms of stress and tears and anger were she pregnant again. Angry at myself. Angry at her because I’m sure she would push to NOT have an abortion because she’s crazy and doesn’t realize what it will do to our lives together OR apart.

    She’s going to pick up an Early Pregnancy Test from the store tomorrow (hopefully) but it’s going to be difficult to make sense of being that we don’t even know if she’s late yet.

    Dear Powers That Be. Please don’t let this happen to me. I know I am a stupid person but please. I have lived a mostly good life and done nice things and this would destroy me.

    Fear of Success? Nah. Fear of Missing the Ship.

    Published on May 3, 2006 in Uncategorized. 4 Comments

    It’s been happening behind the scenes for a long time now…
    user generated websites popping up all over the place. They come in many different forms. There’s sites like MySpace and Facebook. There’s Threadless and Etsy. There’s iMeem.

    These days, there’s a term for them… Web 2.0
    More and more lately, I find myself reading about new “Web 2.0″ sites that have come out of nowhere and succeeded in both mere survival and making LOTS of revenue. I just finished reading an article in Newsweek about the new trend in Web 2.0 projects and EVERY time I read a new article or snippet, I start to feel uneasy.

    If something doesn’t happen with my idea soon, it can be GUARANTEED that someone else will get to it before I do… and in this game, second place gets you nowhere.

    I’ve spoken with about helping me out with the design portion of the site (for which at this point I’m not picky, as it’s better to have a site up that LOOKS bad but works vs. a site that doesn’t exist) and I’m he’s going to speak with a coworker about doing the back-end scripting. I’m at a point where I am willing to pay lots of money to have it done sooner than later as I really do feel I’ve got something.

    I of course have spent the last few days brainstorming the wide variety of ways I could make the up-front money. I’m willing to sell my soul for this one.

    It sounds ridiculous but I just get scared… scared that I’ll be too late with the best idea I’ve ever had… only because I ran into a roadblock and wasn’t able to make my way around it in time.

    Wish me luck.

    In need of a designer/PHP expert

    Published on May 2, 2006 in Uncategorized. 4 Comments

    I’m in desperate need of someone to build a website for me, complete with PHP/MySQL databases etc. Know anyone?
    This person needs to have an almost EXPERT understanding of PHP and MySQL.

    The person who was going to help me is not returning my phone calls or my emails so I’m moving on as this needs to be done sooner than later.

    I’m willing to pay for it though I can’t afford $10,000 which is the quote I got from someone who does site work professionally.

    1956

    Published on May 1, 2006 in Uncategorized. 0 Comments

    I’m at work. The airy drone of Corsican choral music playing in my headphones. A misplaced vibrato.

    This is really the only time I have to write openly about my life these days as both mine and Biancas computer sit beside one another at home.

    I feel like I am drowning in the tension, unhappiness and mess of my home life. I worry that we (Bianca and I) are not doing the right thing. I find myself thinking of girls from my past and wondering “Why can’t Bianca be more like her.”

    I love her. I do. But it doesn’t feel the same as when I was IN love in the past. It doesn’t feel the same as when I was infatuated with a girl from the sailing team. These thoughts are brutal in a way but it is the truth as it appears to me and that is what I must contend with.

    Bianca doesn’t make my heart skip. I remember wondering when this relationship began if that was going to be a problem. I felt torn between the forever search for the one person who DOES make the heart skip a beat vs. finding yourself with a person with whom you could probably spend the rest of your life and be comfortable. I chose the latter, and maybe that was unfair to her.

    I just don’t feel excited about life anymore and it hurts so bad to remember the days when I did; when I could sit with someone and talk about all of the things I want(ed) to do and have them share in the excitement because they too wanted similar things out of life. With Bianca, I fear that she has none of those interests. I want to thru-hike the Appalachian Trail one day. She doesn’t see the point in walking that far. I want a sailboat. She wants a yacht (or a sailboat big enough for her to lay out in the sun on the deck).

    We were born into two very different worlds and although I’ve always believed that differing tastes/desires/personalities makes for a positive relationship regardless of the obvious compromises which must be accomodated, I wonder how much is just too much.

    And it’s not only myself who is losing touch with who I once knew myself to be. She feels the same way. I’m sure of it. In part because of the way we live these days, in her personality, her happiness etc.

    Our house is constantly a mess (by that I mean deplorable), I have managed to gain nearly 60 lbs over the course of this past year, I don’t go out anymore, I don’t smile much anymore and Bianca and I spend our ‘at-home-time’ sitting in front of our computers not talking (because we have nothing to talk about?) for the last remaining hours of our day before bed.

    I spend a lot of time these days on “projects” (I’m working on travelinghead and an exciting new project right now) and I wish with all of my heart that Bianca would do the same instead of playing the Sims. But who am I too judge her for how she spends her time? —> Though she made a good point when we talked about it the other day. She said, “You only wish I spent my time doing projects and things because that’s what YOU do… that’s what you see for YOUR life and assume that everyone feels the same way about creative things.”

    I remember in the past how ‘colorful’ my life was and how strongly I felt the world move beneath my feet. Those feelings have been replaced with a sense of dread these days. I never know how to feel when I return home from work. On most days, I get home to a new mess on top of the old (ie. dog has escaped from the kitchen/backyard and destroyed something of importance), Bianca is watching Dr. Phil and is stressed out because of the mess and she’s had another bad day at work.

    Before I write about what happened last night, I need to clarify something. Our sex life is NOT perfect. To be honest, it’s not even close to perfect. I don’t know what the reason is but I rarely feel like having sex anymore. My sex drive has been an issue for quite some time now (in addition to all of the other things wrong with our relationship).

    Last night, while we were watching television, Bianca, was wearing only a towel around her body and one wrapped around her head due to having just showered. At one point she crawled across the couch and started kissing me. I kissed her back but was probably already thinking in my head that I wasn’t in the mood for sex which is obviously what she was after. She did some weird little head flip which caused the towel wrapped around her head to fall off and I laughed and said, “That was slick.” Her demeanor changed instantly. She climbed off of me and went to the other end of the couch looking really upset and bothered.

    I had no idea I’d done something wrong. She told me that sometimes women just want to feel sexy and desireable.

    I don’t want to write about this anymore. I’m sure I will never forget what happened last night regardless of whether I write it here or not.

    1955

    Published on May 1, 2006 in Uncategorized. 4 Comments

    I don’t know how much longer this relationship is going to last.
    I wonder if I’ll be fired for sending an e-mail to my Team Leader at work which merely reads,
    “I need to take a personal day.”