Monthly Archive for September, 2005

I’ve never at any point thought that I would fall prey to actual depression, always having skirted the edges and bouncing back, but it appears that like the other members of my family, I too have what it takes to be victimized by this illness.

Things have been difficult for many months now, seemingly beginning with the stresses from “Average Joe” and the toll that it was taking on my relationship. It’s been mostly downhill from there. I won’t go into specifics or too much detail about WHY the show was causing so much stress but what I will say is that it seemed to have opened a number of doors for new and unheard of beasts. One of the biggest uprisings was the relationship between my mother and my girlfriend, both of course having their own opinions and reactions to my being on national television. My girlfriend had a very hard time dealing with watching me on television and struggled with what she thought would be the inevitable outcome (me leaving her when I became famous). Keep in mind of course these are only my views on the situation and my understanding of things, which I’m sure would be disputed were it read by either of the two parties involved.

During this time, there were a number of comments made by my girlfriend which disturbed me a little bit. I felt as if I wasn’t being given any credit for who I am and that her understanding of the situation was based not on the situation itself but on things that she was dealing with in the background. Some of these comments were heard by my mother as well which, being my mother, caused an uprising on her side. She took it upon herself to defend me. And now, finally, I will be honest with myself and say that maybe my mother was right. I didn’t want to believe that the things Bianca said were any reflection of her character and I didn’t have the energy to confront her about it so I continued to let things slip. I continued to ignore the things that were bothering me while my mother went on a rampage. Alongside these comments, I will also say that I am not only here to speak badly about Bianca and/or my mother. I love the both of them and each in their own way have been extremely supportive of me and my insanity. I merely bring up these issues with Bianca because they hold relevance to my current situation. It is as with any relationship that there problems arise due merely to the fact that we are human. I still love my girlfriend.

My mothers opinion and treatment of my girlfriend over the course of the subsequent weeks changed dramatically to the point where Bianca and I stopped going over my parents house because it was uncomfortable for the both of us. Maybe I should have nipped the issue in the butt right then but, as it stood, my energy level was already beginning to drop and I didn’t feel as though I would survive any huge debacle.

So this strange situation continued to develop over the following weeks, leaving nothing but silence between my mother and I, conflict between my girlfriend and I and an anger growing silently inside of me. It seemed more than any other time in my life, I was experiencing a total meltdown. Every day became a challenge for me. My job became an ulcer, constantly paining me, my homelife was blanketed in eggshells with Bianca and I rarely having any real conversation and my relationship with my mother steadily deteriorating. It seemed as though everything I did was wrong. I was the one acting “strange.” I was the one who had changed. I was the one not doing what I should be doing… all according to my mother. Add to these things, numerous comments my mother was making about my girlfriend which made me extremely uncomfortable. Partly due to the fact that some of the things my mother said were probably correct and partly due to the fact that I didn’t know how to handle being stuck in the center of this, left to bridge the gap between two very distinct regions (ie. my mother and my girlfriend). So as before… I stayed silent. I continued to let these things build inside of me. I ignored my mothers phone calls. I retreated to the safety of my own world and I left the rest of the world to fend for itself; to work itself out.

As with any situation like this, things continued as one would expect when they’re not being tended to. My life got more and more complicated, things around me began to crumble and every single day, I woke up for work wondering whether or not I was going to make it through another day without destroying myself. I kept myself from bursting into tears at the expense of my insides. I was falling apart from the inside out. There were moments somewhere in between all of this when I found myself laughing. It was a laughter born of hysteria and ineptitude. I had nothing left to offer my own sanity and so I cracked. I found myself going through the motions of my everyday and consistently having to ‘deal’ with some new issue which was just piled on top of everything else. And when I say that I was dealing with “issues,” I’m not referring to anything grand. An “issue” for me had become walking to the bathroom and stubbing my toe on the door-jam.

Work became a routine. I would spend most of the day trying not to fall apart. Every customer that walked through the door pushed me closer and closer to tears. I just wanted to hide somewhere. To go the bathroom and not come out until everyone had left. I found myself clutching my hands together into a fist, digging my fingernails into my own skin just to keep from bursting into tears; just to keep myself right there on the edge of breaking down.

I remember one day in particular when I had come home from work exhausted. I had no money for cigarettes as I had spent the very last of my change on cigarettes the day before (another ongoing issue of course being lack of money). I had JUST enough change in my pocket for a Mountain Dew so I stopped at the store to pick one up. When I pulled into my driveway, I held the Dew in one hand by the top as I pulled some mail out of the mailbox. The drink slipped from my hand and fell onto the street, breaking the cap and causing most of my previously unopened drink to spew out all over the street (Stirke 1). Although it was mostly flat by now, I WANTED some ounce of satisfaction so I brought the Dew inside and sat down in front of my computer, telling myself that I would drink what I had left. As I was sitting down, I knocked the bottle over into my lap, spilling out half of what was left into my lap (Strike 2). I saved what was left for dinner and by the end of the night, I was left with a total of three sips all to myself. Sitting down on the couch with a plate in one hand and the remote in my other, I adjusted myself and spilled most of what was left onto the floor (Strike 3). At the end of the night, I had managed to stub my toe, my computer died in the middle of working on something, I hit my head on a kitchen cabinet door that constantly swings open and I never really got to enjoy my drink (of which I had no money for another).

This ridiculous trend has continued for the last month and a half. Nothing seems to be going right. It’s as if I’m paying for all of the mistakes I’ve ever made in my life… all over again.

The issues with my mother and with my girlfriend were still going on somewhere in the background, coating my life with restless, sleepless nights. My ability to breathe has been affected. I find myself pulling in deep breathes all day long because I can’t seem to relax. The breaking point for all of this just happened to be on the night of a friends “homecoming” party. My mother had called and I finally made the decision to talk to her about things before I left. This of course turned into an argument. She continued pointing the finger at me, saying that I was the one who had changed and she’d done nothing wrong. She said horrible things about my girlfriend, blaming her for “pulling me down into this mess.” Bianca was present for the entire phone conversation (which was a mistake) and she proceeded to get angry and upset. She has been supporting me financially for months now. Buying me cigarettes when I can’t afford them, buying food for the house etc. This has made me feel like a worthless piece of shit for months. In the end, Bianca couldn’t deal with it any longer. She grabbed her keys and told me she was done. That she couldn’t deal with the insanity any longer. That she couldn’t survive the relationship if things were always going to be like this. I didn’t know what to do at that point. Part of me silently wondered if maybe the two of us were not meant to be together; that we were working too hard at something that would fail us in the end. Another part of me, the part which broke through the surface, realized that “running away” from the issues was not going to solve anything and by her leaving, we were admitting defeat. I suggested that maybe she should stay. I spent the rest of the night crying uncontrollably and drooling on myself.

It was at this point that I realized I couldn’t deal with ANYTHING else. I shut myself off from the world and have spent the last month or two, sitting in front of my computer like a zombie. I’ve felt as though my insides had slowly withered away and died. I started looking at box-cutters differently. I’m not brave enough to take my own life but I can honestly say that there have been a number of occasions that I’ve flirted with the idea. I haven’t called any of my friends. I haven’t talked much with my family. I’ve done NOTHING. I’ve given up on just about everything except for the simple act of survival, wondering if one day I will have it in me to start back on all of the things I’ve left behind.

My mother has agreed to “bury the hatchet” with Bianca and it seems to be working but I still feel guilty. As though this is all somehow my fault and my mother is merely clenching her teeth and holding her tongue. That she’s putting up a front just to make things more comfortable.

I am still being swarmed with things to get done that I just don’t have the energy for. My sister is getting married in a month and I’m responsible for setting up photographers, musicians etc. I’m not even sure how my bills are being paid at this point. I think my father is taking care of most of them but even he is going into debt. I haven’t been able to pay rent for more than two months now. I KNOW that he can’t afford me much longer.

I’ve given up (both willingly and not) on everything. I’ve let so many people down in the last few months due to my inability to function. I call out from work all of the time and I only work three or four days a week to begin with. I havent a cent to my name and I’m going to Peru with my father in October (he’s already purchased tickets).

Bianca has since quit her job as well. She is privy to the same depression as it appears I am. She’s been on and off of Paxil for years and the stress of the situation has left her numb as well.

My mother decided to “surprise” Bianca and I with a 5wk old Black Lab puppy which has just added to the stress. I can’t even take care of myself and now I’m forced to care for a small child?!

In the end, the Great Divide between Bianca and myself still exist. We’ve chosen not to talk of them because neither of us have the energy and I will be honest and say that I am scared that if we DO discuss them, it will end with the two of us parting ways. So here we both sit, spending our days and nights sitting in front of our computers while the world ticks away outside.

I don’t know where this is going to take me/us but I’m hoping that someday things start to get better. I’ve had thoughts of running away from Florida. Starting fresh somewhere else but I’m sure the issues I’m dealing with here will just follow me. I’ve thought very heavily of seeing a doctor and possibly going on meds but the thought of that is frightening (and to top it off… I don’t have money for a doctors visit anyhow).

So, for those of you that have wondered where I’ve been and why I’ve been so quiet… there it is. I’m not sure when I’ll return to the world. I honestly don’t know. I can’t function anymore and so as not to disappoint anyone, I’m not promising anything.

We’ll see…