Monthly Archive for July, 2005

i guess this must be ’standard’ (i hope) when it comes to artists… i hope.

as for “Average Joe.” what can i say about that? we’re coming up on Episode 5 tomorrow. i recently found out that NBC is going to air the FINALE EPISODE the DAY AFTER Episode 5?! obviously NBC doesn’t think too highly of the series and looking at ratings, it’s obvioius that the public is pretty much done with it as well.

i start to wonder more and more about my experience on the show. the more i see of it, the more i almost wish that i hadn’t taken part. it’s difficult to see your life presented as something that it wasn’t. it’s difficult to have your experiences skewed through the magic of post-editing. i realize that anything that we see on television MUST have happened… the producers can’t create a clone of you, but they DO have control over what they show and what they don’t. i also wonder about what may come out of it. i have the feeling that i’ve seen whatever gain i could expect from the show. that i succeeded in doing what i originally set out to do and that’s the end of it. i did some things i’d never think to do and i made some great friends. maybe it’s best that i leave it at that.

my relationship with bianca has been really difficult for about two months now. we’re getting into a lot of arguments. she doesn’t look happy half the time and i’m sure i look the same way. there have been many times lately too that it feels like we are merely talking for the sake of taking up dead air, as you would expect on a date with someone that you have nothing to talk about. there are so many possible reasons for this but when i think about it, i just keep running around in circles.

i’m finding more and more that i love the ‘companionship’ that comes with relationships but i’m failing horribly when it comes to the responsibility side of things. i don’t tell her i love her enough. i don’t tell her she’s beautiful enough. i don’t touch her enough. these are things that she’s mentioned in a less direct way and one fear i have is that i’m subconsciously doing it on purpose. there is a lot in our relationship that we don’t necessarily have in common. i’ve been having really strange dreams lately (and i don’t usually remember any of my dreams… haven’t for years). i just… my last relationship was with a girl who had NO self esteem.. absolutely no self image. i was required on a daily basis to tell her that she was beautiful even if she said “you’re just saying that because you have to.” i was required on a daily basis to make her understand that i was with her because i liked her and cared about her but the underlying truth was it was SO tiring to have to take care of her emotional wellbeing like that EVERYDAY. and lately it seems, Bianca is doing the same thing… asking me if i still find her attractive, asking me if i still like her, asking me if i still want to be with her. she probably has a good reason for asking those things due to my insane desire to work, work, work lately but it still gets under my skin. i vowed that when i got into another relationship, it would be with a person who could handle life on their own… without me. and she says she can, but i haven’t seen much of it. i don’t know. relationships are really difficult and when you toss in the fact that i was on a reality tv show and i’m doing interviews with websites and random girls are sending me e-mails because they saw me on some tv show… it makes things even more difficult.

so with all of this difficulty comes the ever so popular thought of.. “maybe she’s just not right for me. maybe we’re just not right for each other.” i don’t want her to change herself to make our relationship work. obviously compromise is important but i feel like a relationship should ‘work’ on some small level BEFORE there is compromise. neither of us should have to compromise our dreams or our desires to such a great extent. a friend once told me that for a relationship to work well… both people need to be in a similar place in their lives. with work, with goals, with college, with ideas about the future. i wonder sometimes if bianca and i have that. i just want to be happy and i want her to be happy as well… and i don’t know how to make that happen. thinking of all of this stuff gives me a headache and writing about it is dangerous in its own way but i feel as though i have to. i haven’t written a lot in my journal over the last few months, partly due to the fact that i’ve not had the time and partly due to the fact that i didn’t want to write about the ‘not-so-good’ things going on in my relationship because i knew it would just confuse things/me.

i don’t know what to do. i don’t know if this is something that all sorts of people experience. i look at my parents (like my good friend Kat said she used to do) and they are VERY different… but somehow, they’ve managed to love each other, to get in arguments a lot, to do their own thing and to do things together.

i just… i remember in the past when i’d meet someone that i was really into… i’d make little things for them, draw pictures for them, write about them… and with bianca, it’s just not there. granted with these other people, they never received it well because they weren’t into me, but is this reason enough to call a relationship ‘bad’?? gah.

i can’t write anymore.