Life of The Average Joe
it appears that i’ve gone down a pants size…
i think.
at least. i put on a pair of pants that i haven’t been able to wear for a year and a half (two years?) i don’t think i’m losing pounds but i must be losing fat (god i hate saying that word).
let’s hope i can keep this up.
she has been IM’ing me off and on for the last few months. i’ve talked to her once briefly since the ‘drama’… (see link) i finally broke down and e-mailed her yesterday. she gave me her home phone number. i called her this afternoon. we talked for an hour (bitch).
she was in Honduras for a little while (sometime during the six months that i haven’t spoken to her). i did see her at Starbucks a few months ago while visiting some friends of mine. she was with her boyfriend.
the point of all of this… i asked her if she went to Honduras by herself. she said, “no. i went with the guy i was seeing at the time.” (does this mean she is single? does this mean that her relationships don’t seem to last very long? what DOES this mean??)
either way. we’re going to get coffee again sometime in the near future. she wants to come do Habitat for Humanity with me one of these weekends. and we’re going to the zoo before the 24th of April.
p.s. i’ve convinced myself that she is a ‘tide-me-over’… not someone to consider anything special. just… a person to do something with. is that wrong? maybe. but it’s the only way that i’ll survive being around her; is if i shut myself down inside. even talking with her on the phone was an interesting experience. she is… everything. her laugh. the image of her smile.
i think the problem i have is this… in the past whenever i was writing about someone.. about ‘that person that doesnt exist but i dream them into being’… it was her that i was writing about. not her in some crazy movie-like foreshadowing way but her in the sense of… everything about her is as she would appear in my writing. her smile is magical. her laugh is motivating. her eyes are 200proof. one sip and i’ve got a contact buzz. the way she moves. the way she sits. the clothes she wears. she IS (in all sense of the phrase) ‘the woman of my dreams.’
and sure. i’m crazy. sure. it’s just a girl. and sure, nothing will ever come of it.. but it’s just the fact that i have found the ‘embodiment’ of my fictional character. it’s an odd feeling.
maybe i’m making a mistake by making plans with her. maybe i’m going to end up just as annoyed/confused/hurt as i was the first time… when i find out that she’s actually just dating someone new at this point.
…maybe i should ask her. (just to be safe)
reading my past is always such an odd experience…
looking back through my journal, i find things… entries. and they send shivers down my spine. they rekindle my love for life. for the ebb and flow. for the sunrise and sunset of my everyday. they fall heavy on my heart. they are wonderful in their intensity.
i read about the way that i felt about something… the magic in the moment. a newfound feeling. eyes wide open. the good and the bad… and it makes me realize, that no matter what… this is it. this is life. and tomorrow may bring something new. something magical. today may bring something new. something painful which i will look back on in a day or two and come to love.
this is my life.
well. you only get to see a few of my most recent polaroids. the more i scanned, the worse the images were getting (the scanner is leaving red streaks across everything) so i just decided to wait until i have access to a better scanner.
this is actually one of my favorite ‘collections’ so far. i want more. MORE MORE!!
and here’s a street corner…
what i think is funny… is that for SOME reason… these things that i take pictures of (polaroids) are really quite ‘attractive’ to me. they are pleasing to the eye. maybe it’s the colors. maybe it’s the shape. maybe it’s just the fact that.. in taking the picture, it is proof (to myself) that i was there. i don’t know what it is. many people that i’ve shown my polaroids to, don’t seem to understand. at first, i was offended. should i fall back on some conceptual mumbo-jumbo to explain my polaroids? i decided not. because i don’t so much care. -i- like them. i am a collector. and it gives me something to collect. it is a database of sorts. a documentary of my life and the things that i find beautiful. whether it’s a junked car or the abstract quality of rooftops against a blue sky. (wait. was that conceptual mumbo-jumbo? …shiiiiiiiiiiiit)
i’ve been shooting more polaroids lately (which is why i mentioned that i wanted a medium format camera). i think as much as i am addicted to the ‘instant gratification’ of the polaroid… i’m also addicted to the square format. and i would REALLY love to see a few of my polaroids as a much larger print (with much sharper/brighter colors) and you just can’t get that out of a polaroid.
either way. for quite some time, i was ‘collecting’ rooftop contour polaroids. i was shooting a lot of warehouses in the area. and then i started working on tryptichs (sp?) surrounding one subject (usually something architectural). every so often, i would shoot polaroids of random things.
well… what is interesting is… even now (i think i have a hundred or so polaroids)… looking over the ones that i’ve taken in the past and the 20 or so that i’ve taken recently, i’m already starting to form very defined collections. there is a lot of signage. there are a lot of rooftops. there are a lot of windows. there are a lot of ‘free standing industrial structures’. there is a lot of ‘attractive junk/left behind items’ (ie. bycicles, couches, chairs in fields). and my favorite recently…. abandoned vehicles. i am now on a hunt of abandoned/junked vehicles. trucks sitting out in front of closed auto shops that are falling apart. cars outside of junkyards that are just screaming to be photographed. i’ve already gotten a number of really nice (in my opinion) pictures from my area. two trucks. one bus. and one junked camper.
if you’re from the Tampa area and can think of any places that i need to check out for vehicles, let me know.
p.s. scans coming tomorrow of all of my most recent polaroids (what fun eh?!)
now it’s time for bed.
i feel like i’ve been super-busy lately… but then i feel like i haven’t gotten much done.
i work. i come home. i do stuff. whether it’s convincing myself (and aaron) that we should really go to the gym. working on the house. working on the travelinghead.com website. working on… dammit. i don’t know.
this weekend (Sunday, since i worked Saturday) has been long… but aparently not long enough. i got a lot of free gravel, mulch and railroad ties from work. we did the driveway. we finished up screening in the front porch. i worked on the house from 8am till dark yesterday.
i don’t know. i feel like something is missing. i think what it is… is the fact that.. i want to feel as though i’m moving ‘forwards.’ i realize that at some point (with a family, a steady job etc) that feeling will disappear and the focus will shift but… right now… is not the time for me to feel as though i’m stuck doing the same things, day in and day out.
aaron said to me last night.. “dude… we need girlfriends.” haha. i thought it was funny. mostly because i’ve given up on that for the most part. thrown my hands up and forced myself to forget about it. it’s just not in the cards. so. maybe the always present loneliness is getting to me again. who knows. i still have these things that i want to do. but they always seem like they are “another two years” from now. everything in my life is on hold right now until i get my major bills paid off. at least. that’s the plan. but maybe i’m going about that all wrong. maybe i’m not supposed to just… work for two more years to pay my bills. i’m just afraid. i’m afraid that if i TRY to move out to California (before i’m financially ready), that it will just end in disaster. i know that California was never really on my list of ‘places that i want to end up’ but… since looking into photography schools, i’ve come to realize that Brooks Institute of Photography is the ‘next step’ for me.
should i wait two years?? should i just try to save up enough money to get out there… have some time to find a job… it’s just so expensive. aaron keeps telling me that i think WAY too much about these things. i tell him that thinking about them is the most intelligent thing for me to do. if i don’t think too much about it, i’ll end up making the wrong choice and everything will fall apart around me.
i have a good job. it’s not what i want to be doing but.. it’s not hard. it pays me enough to pay my bills. sure, the hours suck. but summer is almost here. we will be ‘closed’ over the summer. working 7-3 mon thru friday. weekends off. every other week, we’ll get out at noon on Friday. i can’t beat that (especially not over the summer months).
so. i’m confused (as usual). i’m lonely (as usual). there’s that feeling of ’stagnation’ (as usual). everyone around me seems to be doing something. going somewhere. planning things with people. me? i work. i come home. i sit around on the porch with my roomate and listen to music. think about why things aren’t different.
i’ve got too many little projects that i want to finish. too many little ideas that i’ve started and not had the time to complete. envelopes. keychains. polaroid projects. photography shoots. it’s all there.. but none of it gets done. if i had a week off from work, i could finish one. as it is right now, i have a few hours before or after work and those few hours are usually taken up getting ‘more important’ things taken care of. *sigh* anyhow.
my list for the day.
below is a screenshot of part of the ‘new’ travelinghead.com website. i need to know which of the three combinations of text works best for you (ie. white/dark grey, black/black or dark grey/white) see what i’m sayin’??
i’m so ridiculously behind on Livejournal… and on lots of things.
there is just too much to do. i have too many ideas. i can’t seem to get every one of them done. my ‘free time’ lately has been consumed with redesigning the travelinghead.com site. not a HUGE renovation but.. it was missing something and now that my brother has finally agreed to help me… i can finally make it JUST how it was intended to be.
hopefully it’ll be done soon.
anyhow. i’m home on my lunch break. it’s back to work for me.
the other two heads have arrived. if you don’t know what i’m talking about?… see here.
there will be more in the next day or so as to what is going to happen with the two new additions.
…and i’m not sure if i want to take off the makeup that is on them both or leave it. i’m leaning towards removing it. they’re both hot little women… or… well…hot little womens heads.
so i’ve never EVER posted about a computer game in my journal but i have no choice. i’m impressed.
i used to be an Everquest junkie. for those of you that are unfamiliar with that game, it’s a highly addictive online roleplaying fantasy game. you create a character from a LARGE number of different races (ie. dwarf, elf, ogre etc. each one can be personalized by hair style/color, face, clothing) and you run around in a HUGE world… visiting towns, teaming up with other players to kill large monsters. it’s good fun. i played it A LOT over the course of two years. i haven’t played for going on two and a half years because it consumed so much of my life.
aaaaanyhow. my brother just showed me a new game that is out in Beta testing right now. it’s called Lineage II. it’s another online multiplayer game VERY much like EQ except… well… FIFTY times better (so far as visuals are concerned. below is a screenshot FROM THE GAME. it’s not part of a ‘video’ that they make especially for the game… this is what the game actually looks like during gameplay (you can rotate 360*, zoom in/out) it’s really quite unbelievable. my brother is trying out the beta verson of it and he’s going to let me know how it is as far as gameplay, quests etc. i’m going to try to NOT get addicted. i swear.
