Monthly Archive for September, 2003

On kissing…

Published on September 28, 2003 in Uncategorized. 30 Comments

i posted this as a response to a comment on my entry about kissing… but then i realized… people may not see it. people NEED to read it.

i don’t have a phd in kissing. i don’t write self-help books. but i DO live… and breathe.. and kiss… just like everyone else. and although one would assume that, for me to come to the conclusions i have, the number of people that i’ve kissed would have to be astronomical. well… it isn’t. there are certain ‘common threads’ that make their way through the human condition. what i have written below… is based on my understanding of those.

  • the kissERs mind must be clear. think of NOTHING but the kissEE… and by ‘nothing but’.. i don’t mean that it’s okay to think of whether or not you’re going to get in their pants after kissing them. just.. .focus. don’t think of what you ate for lunch. don’t think of whether or not you remembered to turn off the lights in your apartment. don’t think about financial trouble… you’re ONLY allowed to think about the person you’re lips are attached to at the moment.
  • pay attention to the kissEE. be mindful of how they’re breathing (it can tell you a lot). where are your hands? human touch has always had very magical qualities. kissing isn’t merely just the joining of two pairs of lips. there are bodies attached to those lips. think about it.
  • don’t be worried about what time it is. (this goes back to thinking of nothing but the kissEE). if you are ‘going nowhere’… there is no pressure on the kissEE to wonder when a good time to STOP kissing is (and who wants to STOP kissing once you’ve started?!)
  • be mindful of the kissEE. how are they kissing you? hard? soft? tongue? where are THEIR hands? (just as the kissER should be conscious of the information that they are transmitting in the kiss… they too, can learn a great deal about the way that the kissEE would LIKE to be kissed)
  • summary: kissing is as much an art as lovemaking. if it’s done correctly, time will come to a stand-still, the world will disappear around you and the kissEEs body will turn to jello in your arms. the proper kiss is not necessarily about the kissER… it’s about the kissEE. it’s about what you offer of yourself to the kissEE. it’s about not holding back. it’s about confidence… the above may sound like a lot of work but… just as with riding a bike, once you get the hang of it, it becomes almost second nature. so practice, practice, practice. kissing should be about two people. it should be fun. these are not steadfast rules… they are merely good starting points. everyone will have a different way of kissing… but that’s half the fun. pay attention and you’ll do just fine.

so i’m curious. opinions? comments? other suggestions??

Guess i’ll just…

Published on September 27, 2003 in Uncategorized. 11 Comments

…stay at home and watch ‘Law and Order’ until 2am.
meh.

On a raft built of the ethereal

Published on September 27, 2003 in Uncategorized. 0 Comments

&nbsp&nbsp&nbspMore often than I’d like to admit, i find myself sitting around staring at things; drifting off into my subconscious on a raft built of the ethereal, contemplating my place in the world, wondering where it is EXACTLY that i fit. my religious beliefs, my upbringing, my own personal experiences all make me an ‘individual’ among my peers as we float around in the giant primordial stew of life. there is something that drives us all though, something that pushes us on into tomorrow. something that causes us to wake up at 6am to the annoying buzz of our alarm clocks, slide from the comfort of our beds and greet the day with the standard morning routine that we’ve somehow developed for ourselves over the course of our lives like one of Pavlov’s dogs. ring the bell, we drool. “in 1903, Pavlov published his findings, calling this a “conditioned reflex,” different from an innate reflex, such as yanking a hand back from a flame, in that it had to be learned. Pavlov called this learning process “conditioning.” He also found that the conditioned reflex will be repressed if the stimulus proves “wrong” too often. If the bell rings repeatedly and no food appears, eventually the dog stops salivating at the bell.”
&nbsp&nbsp&nbspso what is it that keeps us going? what is it that keeps us constantly ‘conditioning’ ourselves when all too often, we are faced with stimulus that proves ‘wrong.’ we are all individuals. we all follow different faiths (some of which offer us a somewhat plausible answer to my question, a reason to ‘be.’) we all find comfort in different things, in different people. but something… since the very beginning of the telling of the ‘human story’, causes us to keep going. we consume, we defecate, we collect and we die. this has been the way of things since the beginning of time.. for as long as human history has been recorded, for as long as our story has been written.
&nbsp&nbsp&nbspduring our time here we learn to love, we learn to hate, we naively propagate our species and solidify our position as interstellar cockroaches. we construct monuments of concrete and steel that will live on, well beyond our time, long after we have passed from the earth; our bodies reentered the womb of Mother Nature to replenish the soil of our youth. scientists work on a round-the-clock basis studying charts, peering through microscopes at petre dish versions of ‘the real world’ and squirting household cleaners into the eyes (wide-open) of boxed rabbits so that we, the human race, may live on in biological beauty… forever chained to our own vanity. we transcend the norm. we move well beyond what is commonly referred to as ’survival of the fittest.’ are we destined for something grand or bound to our ways, polluting the earth with our intellectual ennui?
&nbsp&nbsp&nbsphere i sit in my infantile, bohemian dreamer-suit, smirking to myself about the possibilities of life. why strive to write the worlds greatest love poem? why bother writing the next ‘classic novel’? why bother doing anything. why bother waking up in the morning, wishing someone was there in the empty space in your bed between yourself and the wall? why hope? why dream? why wonder about our place in the world? what IS it about us as people that requires justification?
&nbsp&nbsp&nbspyou could look at religion. you could look at history (though history is written by historians who all too often could care less about these types of questions). where is it you could look to understand what it is that drives mankind to further themselves, to create art and literature, to wake up and go to work, to experience life in all it’s glory? if i had posed this question when I was younger, or even before my lifetime, answers may have been more easily discovered. Today, life is swayed so heavily (at least in America) by the things that we consume, by the things that we see on the news, by a ‘fear’ that if we are not part of a story (like the Germans following Hitler) than we will be part of nothing.. and you can’t be part of nothing. You must get caught up in something or you are left without. it is in that story i think that one must look to find the answers. it is in the chapters of that story, in the religion of a people, in the media, in the history of wars and movements, in the artwork and in the everyday lives of those around us that one will find the answers that we seek.

Just because i’m in one of those moods…

Published on September 27, 2003 in Uncategorized. 0 Comments

i’m noticing (while cleaning the house) that i have a lot of empty picture frames… how sad.

I always hate this part

Published on September 27, 2003 in Uncategorized. 6 Comments

she’s online. i’m going to try to talk to her… don’t know what i’m going to say though.

i hate this part.
i’ll post the conversation later… just because i can.

right now, my insides feel all crazy. my breathing is funny.
the conversation: (wish it didn’t happen) my comments in bold (sorry i’m bitter)

peripateticus23: hi
her: hey
peripateticus23: so yeah. don’t know if you got my e-mail yet… but… i feel sorta ‘bad’ now about things like.. .the flower.. and inviting you out for sunsets… i didn’t know you had a boyfriend. had i… i would have controlled those urges.
her: oh it’s okay, im sorry if i gave u the wrong idea….i mean i do enjoy hanging out and talkin and stuff..i
her: i didnt mean to not tell u, i guess it just never really came up….probably because he has been out of town and all
peripateticus23: nah. you didn’t give me the wrong idea… at least not in any direct way… i was left ‘assuming’ things.. and you hadn’t mentioned anything about a boyfriend… even when we were talking about relationships… so… i just thought wrong.
her: sorry….i guess i shouldve worked him in the conversation somehow, i mean if i were in your shoes i suppose i would ve assumed the same thing
peripateticus23: i don’t really know what to say now though… my insides feel all funny. what i will say is… boyfriend or not… just know that there are people out there (me for one) that definately appreciate you. it’s good (obviously too good for me) to be able to share so much in common with someone as far as views of the world, direction etc.
her: thanks, and im very sorry if i was misleading, i mean i do like talking with you and i think we share a lot of the same opinions about a lot of things and i feel like i do connect with you, that doesnt change just becuase i have a boyfriend,…ya know?
her: and it doesnt mean that there has to be anything romantic between us…ya know?
her: hello?
peripateticus23: yeah. i know that doesn’t change. and i’m going to try to force my insides not to make a big deal about it. a secret little part of me thought things… happy things… out of context things (now). i haven’t met anyone like you in a looooooong time (forever) and i was instantly attracted to you. i’ve had crushes off and on but… this was different. i didn’t need to ‘add’ anything to the thought of you. and why am i telling you these things? good question. hehe. i think this is ‘free thought’ writing for me. what better person to tell these things to… than the person that it’s about. so yeah. i know. and like i said, i’m going to try to convince my insides to be good.
peripateticus23: sorry…was writing… thinking…
her: oh..sorry, ill read now
her: hey…i feel really bad…..im really sorry, i shouldve let u know a long time ago
peripateticus23: dont’ worry about it :-) … i wrote about the ’situation’ in my journal… and what i said was… “i’m not mad at her for not telling me… she had her reasons as we all do. whether she thought about it or not.” so.. no.. don’t feel bad. feeling bad gets us nowhere but… you feeling bad.
peripateticus23: sure i feel funny now… but i’ll get over it. this is just another one of those ‘moments.’ i’m almost actually more happy that he came up in an e-mail rather than while talking to me… hehe.. cuz uh.. i would have felt really quite silly were i sitting in front of you when the subject came up!!
her: :-)
peripateticus23: well… in a mostly joking manner… “if uh… if things don’t work out… you know where to find me” =P (in reality.. i obviously hope things ARE good for you forever) i’d be stupid not to.
was trying to use ‘humor’ as a way to deflect how i really felt… don’t think it worked.
her: LOOK , IMEAN I FELT ALL THINGS THAT U DID IM SURE BUT,i never really took it to a romantic level u know (they never do), i mena i think u are a great guy and i really like being able tot alk with u about things
her: thanks….
peripateticus23: amanda..pleaaaaaaaaase don’t be ‘upset’ at what my brain/heart did. (that “LOOK” seems like you are) but that was one of the things that i liked the most about you… that i could be myself without too much fear of being judged. when i said i was “weird”.. i meant it. i feel things more than most people do.. and i can’t help it. that’s just the way that i am. i DON’T mean to/want to put any of this on you since it’s so much easier to just relate it to my own nature. i’m an adult. i’ll deal. this is life. we live and learn. it was an interesting situation. but that’s okay. i feel weird. but that’s okay. tomorrow is a new day. in all hopes, neither of us (mostly me) will let this be too big a ‘bump’ in our friendship. romantic level or not.. it’s always nice to have people around that you can relate to on more levels than the ‘norm.’
peripateticus23: and that’s all. (it’s such a pain in the ass being ‘me’)
her: okay..:-) (this ‘okay’ sorta upset me. it made me feel as though i were being stupid.. and she was just nodding her head in agreement. like “okay… so now that you’ve figured things out for yourself… i feel better.”)
her: so r u going out on the water today (damn… she’s good.)
peripateticus23: i dunno. possibly. i think i’m going to go out to my island for a bit and read.
her: hwere’s oyur island? laterally or. (but she’s no good at typing…)
her: lit not lat
peripateticus23: no.. not MY island by purchase… but ‘my island’ because i always go out there in my kayak… and there’s nobody out there.. so i bring a beach chair… sit under the palms and read.
peripateticus23: it’s 3-ish miles out in the bay. it’s literally… a little “oasis”… tiny island… a few little palm trees… a sandbar on one end. (was trying to ignore the drastic change of subject…)
her: i meant a place or a “mental place”..i didnt think you owned an island:-))))))
peripateticus23: haha… oh.. sorry :p
peripateticus23: it’s an actual place :-)
her: hey welll have fun…im going to go now…
her: talk to u later…….. (fuck you too)
peripateticus23: ok. ciao. (really… i’ll probably never talk to you again… i’m like that)
her: byeeeeeeeeeee

My response to the “i have a boyfriend” e-mail…

Published on September 27, 2003 in Uncategorized. 4 Comments

“hehe. your boyfriend eh. little did i know. that sheds a whole new light on things. well… i guess it’s a good thing that i was too chicken to tell you that i really liked what i know of you!! i feel kinda dumb now for things like the flower. i honestly had no idea that you were with someone. well anyhow. hope you have a good weekend and i’ll talk to you later. -Nathan”

i didn’t know what to say really.

Multum in parvo

Published on September 26, 2003 in Uncategorized. 0 Comments

Multum in parvo

&nbsp
&nbsp
&nbsp
&nbsp
&nbsp
much in little

Geez… imagine that.

Published on September 26, 2003 in Uncategorized. 19 Comments

“sorry i havent returned your call i’ve been busy. I would like to go out on the water with you this weekend, but my boyfriend just got back into town today, so Ill probably be hanging out with him most of the weekend, but another weekend id really like to go.”

that’s from Amanda. the girl that was actually quite interested in.

i honestly had NO idea that she had a boyfriend. meh. we talked about a LOT of things and not once did she even elude to the fact that she was with someone NOW. we talked once about when she was on the sailing team. i mentioned how a lot of the guys dropped in like vultures. she said, “well.. i was with someone when i first started the team so it didn’t really bother me.” (which to me meant that she’s no longer with someone)

and then the other night, we were talking about past relationships and such… and not ONCE was there mention (or even suggestion of) a current boyfriend.

*sigh* oh well. this all makes for a poopy day. meh.

update: yeah. this actually makes for a really poopy day. guess i was silly for even thinking that something was there.

the sad thing is… i haven’t liked anyone near as much as my chest was telling me that i liked Amanda in a really long time. and knowing myself and what i usually do.. i don’t think i can hang out with her anymore. it would be too hard on my brain. like a tease. the sad thing is… we’ve got everything in common. oh well. i’ll shut up now.

i’m gonna go clean my house.

4.5 glasses of wine and a rum and coke over 6hrs… i’m ready for bed.

Published on September 26, 2003 in Uncategorized. 17 Comments

ever wanna just… kiss someone? not so it will lead to sex.. but.. just to kiss?

i think kissing should be like hugs. i think people should kiss more often. damn human nature for making ‘kissing’ more confusing than hugs.

know what i mean?!

Valkyries – review

Published on September 25, 2003 in Uncategorized. 2 Comments

just finished reading Paulo Coelho’s “Valkyries”

another good book from a fine author. this one was a lot less ‘personal’ to the reader (as his other books were in SOME sense about religion… but at the same time, i was able to take from it not the religious aspects… but the ‘human nature’ aspects). “Valkyries” was much more personal to the AUTHOR, as it was about his trip to the desert to ’see his angel.’ still a really good book.

i’ve started reading “Dream of the Earth” (again). i’d started this book quite a few times and never actually finished it.

maybe this time.

i think i’m going to go kayaking now.