um… so yeah.. have a fun-filled yet safe new years people.. and don’t go making any silly resolutions. for the love of God. you’ve got every day to make those, why wait till the end of the year.
be well.
Monthly Archive for December, 2002
yay more depression…
i feel dead inside.. not ‘hey look at me, i needa ttention from lj’ dead.. but… dead.. empty. completely lost. i went out after work (a long day to start with) to Orpheum (however you spell it). i’d been there a FEW times (not too many) before… i went for a friends birthday. never have i felt so out of place. never have i felt… i don’t even know. the minute i walked through the door, i felt like i didn’t belong. there were so many pretty people.. tattoo’d, pierced up, pretty people. girls that i woul dmarry in a second based on looks and looks alone (obviously that’s not the proper way but fuck it). guys that had their hair just right, and their white button-up shirts underneath black sweaters. nice shoes all over the place.. and i know that i’ve written about this type of thing before but i don’t care. this is my journal god damnit and i can write what i want. but fuck. i don’t know. fuck. i drove home in acomplete daze…staring off into the distance. i didn’t care how fast i drove. iwantd to drive faster but something in me kept holding me back (i didnt’ feel like getting pulled over). and yeah, i realize my typing sucks. and no, it’ snot because i’ve had anything to drink. it’s because i don’t feel like workng too hard at typing. i don’t care if it looks ugly, or if i make mistakes.
it was just… a strange night. tough. really tough. my mother always says to me that too many people of ‘my generation’ worry about ‘who they are.’ but ya know…as per the heirarchy of needs, a sense of belonging is part of the foundation… and i can honestly say..that no matter what.. i don’t feel like i belong ANYWHERE. i’ve been to ‘goth clubs’ and felt out of place. i’ve been to clubs like orpheum, where all of the girls (most of them) have the same hair, where everyone is part of the same ’style’ group as far as dressing is concerned. i’ve been to little hole in the wall bars to talk about art with people. the ONLY place… the ONLY ONLY ONLY place, that i’ve ever felt like i was somehow ‘home’…was the Air Force. no matter WHO you were, from what country, no matter how you dressed.. you were part of a ‘family.’ in junior high, i was out of place. in highschool, i was out of place.. even in college.. i feel somehow like an outsider. and it’s not because i’m trying to be difficult. yeah, “be happy with yourself..” fuck that.. i’m sorry, but i know that there are PLENTY of people out there that AREN’T content with who they are, because they don’t KNOW WHO THEY ARE! i’m just one of the many.
i don’t know… i give up. i don’t know what i’m giving up, but i give up. i can’t do this anymore. i can’t… … ..
i sit here in tears, writing shit that’s been written 1,000 before… by high school students.
i want to drink myself into total oblivion. pass out on my floor and never wake up.. i want to climb into bed, and sleep through tomorrow… maybe wake up a few times to stare at the wall, then go back to bed. but i have to work.. i have to work…. i have to……. ……………………………. i don’t know what for anymore. i talked with someone the other day about the possibility of taking anti-depressants… but i dont’ wanna. just leave me here. id on’t want TO.
i guess that’s all. i’m going to go to sleep now…………… .to sleep.
there’s this constant ‘hum’ that i can hear in the background of my life… at work, at home, in school… it’s this strange noise, like.. a soothing noise, that keeps us all zoned out, wandering around producing children and buying useless shit. it’s started to literally make me ill at work. i can’t function, because every time someone comes up to the counter for their ‘cappuccino’ in a neat little paper cup, with a cardboard cup holder, i want to scream at them “don’t you HEAR THAT??!! CAN’T YOU HEAR THAT NOISE? IT’S LIKE A FUCKIN’ SEDATIVE, TELLING YOU THAT ‘NOTHING IS WRONG!’ THAT EVERYTHING IS OKAY!… WELL EVERYTHING’S not OKAY!” every time i take out the garbage, i feel sick because i do that…EVERY day… and every day, fifty million OTHER people do that… there’s too many paper cups in there…
there’s something else going on beyond the world that most of us live in, and i think i hear it… i think i’ve seen bits of it and it’s separating me, little by little, from everyone. i want to do something with my life.. something that will TRULY enrich the lives of other people, not just keep them locked up in their little mental, money making prison.
how many people do you think ‘remember that day that they bought a cup of coffee?’… nooooooone… unless they’re REALLY weird.
just watched Orange County again… there’s something about that movie. it makes me happy. it makes me sad. it makes me think. i don’t know why.. but it does.
i haven’t kissed a woman for years. i don’t mean just any kiss. i haven’t really kissed a girl for a VERY long time. even with Jessica (my ex) it still wasn’t the same. that was a strange relationship. i miss that (not the relationship, but the act of kissing someone.. holding hands). but i guess in the end, it’s okay to miss that. we all (the people who experience the same thing) miss that. but when that day comes again… damn. it’s something to look forwards to.
i look so hard for things in my life. i look for ‘meaning’ and a reason for my existence. i wish for things (which again is normal). i feel so often ‘out of place/touch’ with the world around me. some of it, i do to myself. i’ve always been that way. but it’s okay… ya know? it’s okay. that’s just part of life. tomorrow will come whether or not i fall asleep next to someone or not. i’ll still have my family. i’ll still have my friends. Nicole… yeah. i wanted her to call. i really did. i had hope for something there. but.. fuck it. it’s okay. she hasn’t called. so be it. right now, i just want to live again. i want to find that niche in my life where i can be comfortable, and i think i’m on my way.
i went out to lunch/dinner with Michelle today. we exchanged our little Christmas gifts and just talked. we laughed and had a good time. she bought me an old book published in 1906. it’s an old childrens book called “Plodding Turtles Story” with neat little lithographs and illustrations in it. it was the coolest gift. not just because it was old… but because it came from a friend. a real friend. a friend who knew that i liked old things.. old books. we haven’t known each other long (just since about 1/3 of the way through the semester.) she said something while we were sitting there smoking our cigarettes and drinking our coffee. when she was done unwrapping her stocking full of little ‘gifts’ she said.. “thank you.. i think you’ve restored my beliefs in the human race.” she said, “i really think i met you at just the right time… when i was just starting to fall out of things. it’s been a really hard year, and i met you just when i needed to.” that i think more than anything, was really cool of her to say. i don’t care if Nicole has called or not. when i have friends like that, i don’t NEED Nicole to call.
so yeah, my life is depressing.. but aren’t they all? it’s been a rough few months. i’ve had my moments of happiness and to be honest, what more can you ask for? it’s been a good day. i got nothing accomplished but i don’t care. i went out with a friend for a few hours. we talked about travel and made jokes about my poor grandmother.
i don’t know. i don’t know what i’m trying to say here other than… so be it. for everything. if this is it, if this is my life, than i’ll accept it as such. if i just learn to be content with things (which i am) even when they’re not going so well i think i’ll be okay. yeah, i’d like a real relationship. yeah, i’d like to have more money or fewer bills. yeah, i’d like a lot of things… they’re on their way. it’s just a matter of time.
this is my life though. this is it. i make it what it is and i make it what it isn’t.
Christmas is such a strange time of the year. it’s built so much on ‘reflection.’ it’s the end of the year, the beginning of a new year. we all make new years resolutions.. but.. for what? why wait till the end of the year to decide to change your life? do it now. i’m trying. little by little, i’m trying to. i’ve decided to take some time for ME. to go to Europe. i’m not giving up on this. i’m going. the rest of the world can kiss my ass. even if it’s only for a month… i’ll be doing it. i’ll be out there, doing what -i- want to do. meeting new people, experiencing things. this is what it’s about. i know it sounds like a load of crap, and it may very well be… it may be me caught up in some ‘moment’ but that’s okay. if i can enjoy this moment.. than damnit, i’m gonna enjoy this moment.
i’m going over to my parents house now for a ‘family dinner.’ i’m going to write more when i get back. i’m not sure what’s going to happen with this journal. i’m really not. i guess i’ll just see where things take me.
after thinking a lot about things… i’ve decided that i’m making my LiveJournal private. i’m not leaving the livejournal community completely though. i’ll still post entries every now and then and i’ll still keep up with the people on my friends list and even many of you that aren’t, but have me listed as a friend. but it’s time… it’s time to get back to the search. the search for who i am. and i realize that my whole adventure here in LiveJournal land has been a part of that search. i’ve seen bits and pieces of a ‘me’ that i didn’t know existed. i’ve witnessed changes occur, changes that i can honestly say i’m not too fond of. i tell people often, that the only way to live is to live openly and to be who you are, to allow yourself to be vulnerable because it’s the only way to be sure that you’re really living. but the more i do this, the more pain i experience and it’s getting old.
be well.
hey wow…that conversation just left me feeling really good. (sarcasm)
aparently, i’m
- mean.
- and ‘a total downer.’
oh well.
yeah, fuck it.
so now i’m off to bed.
[update: well, we've got one in agreement... anyone else wanna jump on while the wagon is parked?]
damnit. aparently, my appointment with my art advisor was at um…*coughs* 10am. so i uh.. yeaaaaah. missed THAT. doh! i hope at the beginning of the semester, when i come to him again to see if he can’t get me in my art history class, he doesn’t remember that i had missed the apt. hehe… uhh. i hope. i wonder if i should register for a ‘back-up’ class now, just in case i can’t get in to the art history class.
nicole said she’d call me today.
she didn’t call me today. fuck her. i’ve got better things to focus on.
(and no, i’m honestly not bitter.. just being honest. i get SO completely sick of people saying they’ll call.. and then not calling.)
but yeah. i just thought of that when i saw my cell phone. it’s all good. it’s time for bed i think. i have an apt. with my counselor tomorrow so i can try to get into an art history class that was officially ‘closed’ when i went to register for next semester.
i think maybe i’ll just turn off the computer tomorrow.. since, i believe.. that i was on it most of the day today and didn’t get anything accomplished.. is what i think.
g’night world.
