i truly believe, that i’ll never fully understand myself. i went from being fine this morning, to being depressed as all hell now. i don’t know why. i don’t know what happened. i’ve noticed ‘triggers’ throughout the day that probably had SOMETHING to do with it, but to be honest.. i’m not sure that i want to write about them. i’m not sure that i want everyone to see what a fuckin’ loser i am. oh well. i’d rather NOT work on my English paper, so i’ll write instead.
is there ANYONE else out there.. that just feels terminally lonely? or am i the only one? i honestly can’t help it. there’s NOTHING i can do about it. my life, for SOME reason, seems to have been designated “to share only” from the start.
i had a good night last night. i wasn’t going to write about it, but fuck it.. while i’m here. i talked with Monica yesterday morning/afternoon before class started, and she made the comment that she was probably going to be in the darkroom until some crazy hour of the morning. i then talked briefly with her again after class, and she said “are you gonna be around here later?” to which i said ‘no’ since i was headed home.
well, i got home at around 4:30… sat around for a little while, and realized that i was going to be VERY bored for the next 7 hours until i went to sleep. i then remembered that Monica had said she was going to be in the darkroom for hours and hours, which is when i had an idea. i would drive back up to campus and see if she had plans for eating dinner. if not, i’d go pick something up and bring it back to the darkroom. that would at least give me something to do, and if i could keep Monica company and vice-versa…than all the better. i was concerned though, because even in my own head, that sounded a little insane. so… to get another opinion, i asked someone online if they thought that it was a little ‘overboard’ to which they responded, “yeah, i think that’s a little overboard… but go with your gut.”
*sigh* well, my gut… is insane too (which doesn’t help). it told me that i was crazy and that i was going to be single forever.. but to go ahead and do it anyhow since there was no fighting it. so, i drove back up to campus (and was ACTUALLY going to do some printing as well) and saw Monica up there. i said “hi.” she said “hi.” i went back to printing. when she went out for a cigarette, i joined her. she was a mess… nothing was going right it seemed. she had stuff due today and she didn’t know if she was going to be able to get it done. she was really stressed out. we sat outside on the ground for a few minutes and had a cigarette. i REALLY felt bad for her. she looked like she was about to cry. i wanted to lean over and give her a hug, but i stopped myself… i will of course never know if that was a good decision or not, but oh well.
so we talked for a little bit. i asked her what she was planning for dinner and she said, “i’ll be here.. i don’t have any cash on me.” i told her i’d go pick something up. so anyhow, i took off and came back with hummus, pita bread, a tomato, plastic plates/cups, some Arizona green tea and some stickers… gotta get stickers when people are stressed out.. you just gotta.
we sat outside for a while and ate. talked a little bit. she said thank you. i felt good.
and now there’s today. where i feel so completely empty inside. i fight back tears. i want to smoke myself into oblivion (but i don’t have any cigarettes), i dont’ want to go to class tomorrow, i don’t want to do anything.. walking even seems like too much. i trudged to the kitchen earlier, my long face dragging on the carpet.. but i HONESTLY can’t help it. WTF is wrong with me?!?!
