Monthly Archive for July, 2002
aww yes indeed. i’m using my LiveJournal as a way to make plans with people.. haha..that’s sorta funny.
anyhow. i’m still on for Saturday. if you and Ken are.. just let me know. you have my phone number. Saturday night would be best, and you had mentioned the babysitter not showing up until 8pm anyhow, which would be ideal. like i said before.. i’ve got no money, but a movie or two at my place with some drinks/beer would be great. if you guys can think of anything ELSE, just let me know. there’s also Jimmy Mac’s (a restaurant/bar down at the end of my street where we could have a drink or two before coming here). but either way, i’m still open!!! i’ve left my ‘book’ CLEAR for Saturday night! call and leave me YOUR phone number too would ya?! anyhow. talk atcha later this week i’m guessing 
aww.. i got a message from my grandmother tonight when i got home from work. she got my card. she sounded all ‘teary’ on the answering machine. she mentioned that she is still a little ‘worried’ about flying alone (after the September 11th thing) so she just doesn’t know if she’s going to be able to make it down here this year to visit. the woman is 80-something years old.. i haven’t seen her in quite some time. rarely talk to her since she lives in Mass. she’s not going to be around forever. i’m going to talk to my parents about possibly going in half on a plane ticket, for me to head up to Mass maybe over x-mas break and visit with my cousin and Erica (if she’s going to be up there during that time) for a few days, and then come back here with my grandmother. that’ll only get me with her one way, but maybe that will be enough. i’ll have to call her up and talk with her about it.
sometimes, i’m afraid that i overwhelm people. that i scare them off with how open and direct i am with my thoughts. that’s no fun. i hope i haven’t done it again.
wow, running two miles during the day (in Florida’s hot-ass sun) is a whole lot different than running two miles at night. good GOD.
on a completely ‘off-subject’ note: i just got my first FREE issue of ReadyMade magazine in the mail today. it seems like a pretty cool mag. i may contemplate spending $14 on a subscription just as something to read when i run out of other things.
is what’s happening to me, a good or a bad thing?!
conversation with someone that i care about didn’t go so well (in my opinion) this afternoon. it was short. i was quiet. we ended up ‘letting each other go.’ maybe i’m thinking too much, but i hope this isn’t a trend… is it me?
i’d better go run.
(a common sentiment it appears)
i feel as though i need to type.. something is tugging at my fingertips to dance once again across the plastic keys they know so well.
   i’m not sure exactly what is happening to me and my life, but i feel a certain ‘clarity’ forming, like the word which rests itself gently on the tip of your tongue, tickling your taste buds… coming to you when you least expect it. for a small period of time, i was experiencing a SURGE in what i would consider ‘drama.’ i was pulling closer, the things which complicated my life. it was causing me quite a bit of stress, making me unable to accomplish those things that i needed to; wanted to. because of that, it seemed as though i were experiencing a snowball effect, whereas.. i would create MORE drama. it would manifest itself outside my front door, to welcome me before i went off to work. it would lie in bed with me at night, a constant reminder that it was there; that i would indeed wake up next to it in the morning. believe me, this isn’t like waking up next to someone that you care about.
   at SOME point in the last few months, i have noticed more and more.. that the people around me, do the same thing. they ‘create’ for themselves (sometimes, unknown to them) drama.. and wonder how it is that they got there. i saw myself in these people. i saw my own confusion reflected back at me. and it is in THOSE moments, that my life (as of late) has become MORE CLEAR. i now understand that i am the purveyor of my own… it is me. and i have done my best to steer clear of people and things that are going to cause me more stress; that are going to bring me more ‘drama.’
   this post is spawned by a few things. there is a person, with whom i have been spending quite a bit of time with over the course of the last few weeks. i have noticed more and more, that they bring certain things on themselves. i try my best to ‘look out for them’ as much as i can, but it get’s difficult sometimes. i see these things now, only because i have since come to grips with my own life. MAYBE we’re all different, but after taking a few moments to look around, i have ’sensed’ that maybe there are similarities between MY life, and the lives of those around me. if that’s the case, there are simple solutions to problems that we ‘feel’ are LARGER than they really are. we ALL have the option of ‘doing what we can’ and leaving it at that. yet somehow, some of us feel that there must always be MORE that we can do; that it is somehow wrong to walk away from a situation. obviously some of us are ‘fighters’ and others not so, but the theory is the same. by throwing up your hands, and moving on.. you are not giving up on anything, you are merely doing what you are capable of, (and when that gets you nowhere) moving on, because it causes to many problems in the grand scheme of things. am i wrong here?! if i am.. if i have this theory ALL wrong, someone please let me know. but i do believe that maybe i’m on to something. we (even myself) hang on to things MUCH too long. we let them affect our lives to a great extent, when in fact we really don’t need to. it seems rather ‘escapist’ to me, but i truly don’t see the point in fighting certain battles.
   another of my friends called me from California tonight… with what they considered a ‘problem.’ after a little bit of listening, and some sharing of opinions.. a conclusion was come to, that it REALLY wasn’t a problem. it was merely a bump, with an outcome… the real issue came with taking the step to achieve the outcome (whatever it ends up being.) am i making sense?? am i rambling?!
   basically, i have found a way to bring MUCH less drama into my life, and to finally be able to do this, is QUITE the relief. i just needed to write about it. i truly hope that in everyones lives, things work out.. drama-filled or not.
   and yes, even after all of this talking… a certain something still doesn’t sit well with me, but it’s not my life to worry about so i’ll do my best to not let it bother me.
hey lookit’ me.. i took an online quizzie!!
I am truly passionate.
Find your soul type at kelly.moranweb.com.
and now i’m going to go watch ‘Shallow Hal’ and ‘A Beautiful Mind.’
btw.. i think this is officially my quote of the day.
got sorta drunk last night. yeah.. not ’sorta’ drunk.. i just plain old ‘got drunk.’ it’s odd though, i think i’m becoming steadily less desirous of drinking. i ended up drinking quite a few beers.. 7 or 8 i think by the time i finally went to sleep (at least, that’s how many bottles are on the counter) and i can remember actually at 3 beers, saying to myself “yeah, you feel pretty good.. you could stop now.” so when i woke up this morning, i did in fact feel slightly… shitty. i wasn’t hungover, but i definately could have felt better.
   the point is: along with this sick level of motivation that i’ve been experiencing lately (the thing that’s got me mowing my lawn without being told by my parents, paying my bills, budgeting, doing laundry, keeping the house clean, getting THINGS actually DONE), i think i’m experiencing a ‘full-on’ life re-working. i haven’t had a cigarette in weeks (minus the few drags i had the other day when work got crazy).. and i don’t NEED one; at all. i FEEL like i want to eat yummy fruit, and be outside, and put in more gardens, and when school starts there is ALL SORTS of stuff that i’m going to try to be a part of.. in my opinion, there’s something WRONG with me!! i don’t mind, but.. it just feels very ‘anti-Nate.’ it’s good though. really good. i can’t complain one ouce about my life at the moment. any ‘drama’ that exists, i bring on myself and i can just as easily quell the beast. anything that doesn’t get done, is just because… i didn’t do it. and i can’t blame it on anything but that. if i have dreams and hopes for things i want to do in the future, the ONLY way for me to get there, is to plan for it and work at it.
all in all.. life. is good.
ooh! and i got some mail today. i was VERY excited!! in my ’shitty wake-up stupor,’ i stumbled out to the mailbox (very bright outside) and lo-and-behold, what did mine eyes fall upon, but a package… wrapped in a topographical map!! wooHOO! the JOURNAL had arrived! myself and a fellow LJ’er have decided to create a ‘correspondence journal’ between us. and it’s here; all the way from Canada. this should be interesting and fun.
