Monthly Archive for May, 2002
it rained for a while earlier. it ‘felt good’ to have it rain. it always does. i stood out in the front yard for a while after it stopped, looking up at what few stars i could see; hoping maybe… just maybe, i’d see a shooting star, though knowing full well, that i wasn’t going to. not here. the sky is too bright. i miss the Montana sky at night.
hrmn. i feel ‘numb’ right now. i am on the verge of a change, though i’m not sure what that change is.
i should be sleeping right now, since i need to be awake in four hours, to leave for work (i open). i don’t know what to say about a lot of things anymore. i’m confused. i have been ‘looking at myself’ more in the last few days, and i’m not sure i like what i see. i realize that we all have similar problems… i’ve been here before. i’ve been here before. i have choices to make, yet i procrastinate. these choices affect my future. they affect ‘the now’ and yet, i run from them. i am afraid for some reason; afraid to do what is required of me to survive. it doesn’t make any sense to me, yet in the end, what really does?!
i will find my way, just as everyone else does. it’s just a question of the path i take to get there. THAT’s the important part. it all seems to come back to ‘who i am’… a question that my mother claims, “people in her day” didn’t worry about. a question that my mother claims, too many people today worry about. i’m not sure if i believe her. it seems somehow important to me. it seems like it’s all just ‘part of the process.’
i’ve got a really bad headache. this seems to be the ‘theme’ for the last few days. i think this one just keeps coming in and out of my life… how very nice of it.
i had a conversation with a co-worker the other day. i’m not sure how i feel about it… haven’t thought TOO much about it today. i know that my initial feeling, is that i want to back away again… from the world. from those people that i was just thanking not a week ago. ‘that feeling’ (the one that drove the “thank you” post) has not changed, but… i feel.. God, i wish i knew. i feel like i’ve given more than i should have, and now… i’ve realized that i can’t keep up with the ‘responsibility’ that comes with giving of yourself.
it’s strange. i guess, i always assumed that i could ’share’ what i please of myself. that i could be open, and show people that it’s okay to ‘let go’ sometimes…when in fact, at the SAME time, i am not FULLY letting go myself.
i think i’m going to go for a walk… and come back and finish this.
haHA! shit. glad i woke up. i work at noon today. i set my alarm for 8:30 this morning, and woke up… at 8:30. then re-set my alarm for what i thought, was a fine time to be waking up, since it would (somehow) give me 45 minutes to get ready before i had to leave for work… let’s all guess what time i set it for!?!?
where’s the logic there?! (i LOVE doing things when i’m not really ‘awake’ yet). so anyhow, glad i woke up BEFORE then, since i JUST had a dream that i got fired from my job because i couldn’t focus at work, and it took me an hour to make some girls iced mocha. ooooh, today is gonna be a good day. let’s just try and keep my job. it’s the only one i’ve got for now.
speaking of which, i’d better go shower and all that ‘jazz.’ since i DO have to leave in half an hour. ick.
alright… so, i lied. i COULDN’T get to sleep yet. so instead, i cropped a photo of Jen from the other day. and now, i’m gonna post it. cuz… well, i got nothin’ else to do. oh!! i have a picture of a ‘mullet-man’ too!!! Jen and i saw a guy with a mullet, and i thought it best, if i took a picture (best for the sake of ‘documentation’ of course) i guess i’ll crop it, and post that one too :p
(i used the cut tag cuz…well, it’s not really ‘important’ than anyone see this picture… seriously, i’m just bored. so, i thought it best to keep page loading time down)
um…hooray? now i can go to bed?? damnit, let me go to bed!! <– that was.. me talking to um, the ’sleep Gods?’ uh.. yeah.
I think…well, I think I’m going to go to bed now. I can’t think of ANYTHING else to do while I’m still awake. I tried sitting in the chair in the living room for a while. that worked, till I started falling asleep. I stood in Tylers room for a bit. I sat here, in front of my computer, hoping an e-mail or something would appear, giving me something to respond to. I’ve walked around the house aimlessly. basically, I’ve done it all. I’m going to get some sleep now (I guess).
i can’t REALLY think straight (not that i really ever can) so i’m just going to type for a while. it’s not that i have anything important to say. it’s not that i have anything intelligent to say, i just feel like typing. it’s oddly theraputic. Maxwell is playing….. damn, i haven’t listened to this album in a LONG time. his voice is just fuckin’ amazing.
all of the dishes in the house have been washed. so i feel good about that. i spent much of the afternoon digging up the front yard (my mom bought tons of plants the other day). so… i’m doing the ‘right thing’ and digging a garden out front. which is a LOT of work in this Florida sun. it felt good though. i’m tired from it. i was ‘officially’ ready for bed an hour ago (9pm), though if i let that happen, i’ll end up waking up at 3am or something insane. nobody wants that…
i found my SAT scores finally, so tomorrow i’m going to give them a call and have them ‘expedited’ to USF so maybe… just maybe, i’ll make it into college sometime this fuckin’ year. granted, i have procrastinated for almost three weeks now, so i can’t really blame it on the college any longer.
*sigh* i can’t say enough, how nice it was to go out yesterday… i laughed like a kid. i hope that Jen and i go out again. she mentioned something about miniature golf, so i think maybe i’ll save up some more of my tip money and we’ll go mini-golfing.
“They be tryin’ to bring you flowers
You prefer your roses blue
Others was trying to get in your trousers
I was just tryin’ to get into you
I was just tryin’ to get you honest
That’s why them boys be scared of you
You never let them get past pajamas
Oh… when you find the time
How can I get to know ya?” – Maxwell
i came across a box a few weeks ago. in it was everything that i had ever written. little scraps of paper, notebooks, pages from sketch books… ANYTHING and everything that i’d written since i was younger. i’ve been thinking of converting it all to ‘digital format.’ i want to type it all up so that i never lose it. though i will of course, keep the original stuff as long as it all lasts. we’ll see, that’s a project for another day.
[excerpt from 'that box'- two extremes. one on life, the other on love.. and losing it.]
“Have you ever had one of those dreams? the kind you didn’t want to wake up from. the kind that gave you something wonderful. I can’t really explain to you what i mean, but sometimes… well, sometimes i swear that i’m dreaming and i’m going to wake up right at the very best part.”
“It’s a lot like tripping. not over a rock or anything… like acid, ya know. your heart is in overdrive with the cruise control kicked on. that is… until it’s over and you come down like a 747 jet and *BAM!*”
i was just reading back through that box of stuff (that i mentioned above). it’s scary to read back through your life. i’ve been keeping as many of the incoming and outgoing e-mails as i possibly can and printing them up… because, in the end, e-mails are like a journal as well. i’ve had a very interesting last few years. i guess everyone can really say the same thing if they think about it though.
i’m going to lay on my bed for a while, and watch the fan spin round and round… i feel ’strange’ now. i’m not sure if it was caused by the music, or from reading over my past or what. i don’t think i can type any more. i think i need some ‘time to my thoughts’ or something. that strange ‘being alone’ discomfort has set back in for some reason… hrmn. here we go (i guess) —> *breathes deep.*
