here I am again.. feeling the need to write another big entry… feeling like there is a lot of built up ‘crud’ (not necessarily negative stuff) built up that needs to come out. and again, the damn font is too small; it’s too much work to focus on.. so I change the resolution… *sigh* that’s better…
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so.. these last few days.. weeks, I can’t even remember. I can’t keep track of how long it’s been. I can’t place ‘moments’ to certain days anymore.. things are starting to run together like the dyes from new clothing in the wash. I can’t seem to separate things. a bad thing? I don’t necessarily think so. days have congealed, like rotting strawberries on the dishes in my sink; stick my finger in and *squish*…
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I can’t seem to focus much anymore (probably due to lack of sleep). I’ve been staying awake for HOURS and HOURS having conversations with Flora… till the VERY wee hours of the morning. I’ve heard the birds and seen the sunrise come up MANY, MANY times in the last week and a half. healthy? no, probably not. but it feels so good. so.. fuckit.
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I’ve had a few people recently (people from work) tell me that I’m ‘anti-social’ and that I don’t go out enough with my fellow coworkers. I went out with them just the other day. as I was leaving, one of them asked if she could walk me out… I’ve been ‘talking’ to her off an on at work. I’m not ‘interested’ in her in any way, but she’s good conversation.. she allows me to speak very freely about myself, which is nice… that is something that I always feel good about. so we stood outside The Press Box and talked for a moment or two. finally, she asked me what I thought about her friend. I had met this girl a few times. she is a ‘fellow New Englander’… she’s a nice girl, but not really my type. so.. my coworker asked me what I thought about her.. and my reply was “well..she’s nice.. she’s cool to talk with. I wouldn’t mind hanging out with her I guess.” (real intelligent conversation that night as you can tell.) and my coworker said, “that’s IT?? just ‘hang out with her?’… don’t you ever want more than that?”
it made me think for a minute.. I mean.. of COURSE I want more than that. I am constantly writing about how I want MORE than that. how I find my motivation and inspiration in ‘that’.. and I got to wondering how it is that ‘that’ really ever comes about. do I have to go out and look for it? am I going to ‘feel’ a certain way again, like I did when I met Danielle, back in tech-school, or am I going to meet someone and just ‘be friends’ with them first, before I think that maybe something could be worth pursuing? who knows. I don’t know. I suck at things like this.
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as I was driving home from work tonight, I started thinking about Kelly (the girl that I had some ‘drifting apart’ with a while back). I wondered how she was doing. if she ended up dating the guy that she stopped talking to me for. I want to call her.. or write her an e-mail, just to see what’s up… sort of. I want her to feel bad is what I really want. her and I were friends, and just like that *poof*. no more. that’s just not right. I miss her to be honest with you. she wasn’t “fantastic” or “magical” or anything like that.. but.. she was a friend. she was someone that I could hang out with comfortably. on occasion we did misc. things. even if it was only running errands together. and now, she’s doing these things with someone else. for some reason, that hurts.. and I keep wanting her to KNOW that it hurt. I never gave her the birthday present that I bought for her a LONG WHILE back. now it sits here, on my side table/bookshelf (the blue star light in my “bedroom” pictures). why give it to her? the only reason I could think of would be to get it out of my presence, so I wouldn’t have to think about her when I saw it. so I wouldn’t have to think about lost friendships. it’s amazing how easily we drift towards and away from people. I have done it too, I know this. and I can imagine that there are people out there, feeling similar to me… feeling like.. we ‘had something’ (which we probably did) and then.. I just sort of ‘drift off the face of the earth’ and they rarely hear from me again. this is local friends, and people online. I don’t know WHY it happens.. I can’t explain it even if I tried. what I DO know.. (and yes, this is sort of my disclaimer.. always sucks to write knowing you have an audience).. but.. EVERY one of those ’something’s’ has meant something great to me… and will forever. if you ARE one of those people, who feel like I have drifted in and out of your life… just know, that you are not forgotten (sounds like some damn POW advertisement).. I have NO IDEA, why I drifted. I can’t explain it. I can’t justify it. it just… happens. I wish it weren’t so. I wish I could hold on for dear life to every ‘interaction’ in my life.. to every ‘moment’ that takes place, to every person that has affected me. I WISH I could… it just doesn’t seem possible. it never did.
on a similar note, I started thinking about ‘anti-social’ behaviors… I started realizing, that I’ve NEVER been REALLY ’social’ at least in the terms that the people from work are talking of. I’m NOT a big ‘party guy’… I’m a one-on-one person. I REALLY would like… ONE person in my life. just one. one who’s ‘presence’ could be felt often. I got to thinking about Jessica (ex-girlfriend/Mormon) and I got to thinking, that… even towards the end of our relationship, we would still sit around on the couch in the living room, and cross-stitch together. maybe not talking.. but just.. being in the same ‘place.’ or I’d read and she’d be playing The Sims. THAT.. is what I want. THAT, is my ’social behavior.’ I LIKE being out with people. I LIKE having fun. I like having good conversations. but.. just not always out.. at a bar.. or some ‘diner’ drinking a bud-light. I want beach trips. I want small cookouts. I want kayak trips. or camping trips. I want someone to go take photos with. I don’t know. I can’t seem to keep track of thoughts on this subject. my mind keeps drifting.
drifting to what time it is.. to the fact that I have to wake up in five and a half hours to go to work. to the fact that I have to work for the next five days straight.. which will make it ANOTHER ‘fun-tastic’ six day work week. hooray for that! right?!
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Roger Ridley (old friend from the Air Force) called my parents a while back. I got his phone number, but have yet to call him. *I feel like I’ve already written about this somewhere.. that I’m repeating myself…have I? am I?* then, out of nowhere, I get an e-mail from him this morning. I was excited. we used to mountain bike together out in Montana… when we both started our own relationships (neither of which made it), we stopped talking. we stopped riding our bikes. they gathered dust. our friendship… became VERY ’stop-and-go’.. I don’t actually remember ever saying goodbye to him when I left Montana. I don’t know if I really knew how to get a hold of him at the time. so, I responded to his e-mail and told him a little about what has been going on. I guess, he recently got out of the Air Force and is now out in the SanFran area. maybe I’ll go visit sometime, that could be fun.. could be fun.
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my body has felt so strange lately, I don’t know if it’s just because I’m so tired, so worn out.. but.. I get these strange ‘moments of calm’ or at least what FEELS like calm.. though it could just be certain organs shutting down. right now for instance, I don’t WANT to type. I want to stop typing.. I want to close my eyes.. maybe sleep.. maybe just sit here, letting the noise from my headphones thump away at my insides, reverberating off my brain. maybe think.. maybe not… I want my fingers to stop moving.. for my breathing to stop.. for my ‘body sway’ to stop. for the horrible stiffness in the back of my neck to go away. I get a similar feeling sometimes around people. I can’t think of any KEY things that might set it off.. but.. sometimes (I’ve noted it a few times in my life), I’ll be ‘near’ someone… it could be anywhere. .but.. it needs to be quiet… no talking.. no noise. I’ll be near this person (whoever is the purveyor of this feeling for the moment).. near, meaning almost touching or touching. looking over their shoulder at something in a book, or on a monitor. sitting next to them on the couch. I can’t pinpoint certain ‘physical behaviors’.. but.. all of the sudden *whooooosh!* it’s like someone has locked my body in it’s current position.. I can’t move… and all of the blood feels like it is drained from my body in that INSTANT.. just.. disappears.. and then as quickly as it’s gone, my body is filled to the brim with the ’sparkling night sky’ filling me from the toes up… and I just remain there, locked in whatever position I am in.. for a however long the ‘moment’ lasts… and my senses are on crack then… I can feel the air shift around me. I can feel the change in brain chemicals. I can smell the apple pie on the window sill, six houses down. louder sounds become muffled as though I were listening to the world through my pillow, while the more often quieter sounds are amplified TENFOLD. I can hear my breathing in my head. I can hear the carpet mites, going about their daily grind. but it feels so GOOD. and it’s not something based on the attraction to the opposite sex, because it’s happened to me with guys as well. I can’t explain it any better than that.. I just.. can’t.
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I’ve wanted to just ‘drive’ a lot recently, though I haven’t done so… I’ve had lots of thoughts of jumping on the interstate, and just GOING… not to get anywhere in particular, just to be driving… at 80 mph. to feel the road under my tires fly by. the dotted lines whipping by my Jeep in a blur. the night sky at my fingertips, the moon hanging low between the buildings of downtown Tampa till I leave the city behind, and place the moon among other settings. the top has been off for quite some time now.. I’m testing Mother Nature again. soon, Gaia will piss violently on my vehicle, and I’ll be upset. till then, the top stays off.
* (closes eyes) *
I can’t look at the monitor anymore. my eyes hurt too much. I just want to type. it’s therapeutic. although I can’t see my words, I can always spell check afterwards, which I’m obviously going to have to do. I need Freedom in my life. Freedom with a capital ‘F’. won’t someone help me to find that which I seek… even if I don’t KNOW what it is that I want. is there anyone out there that will help me with that. not forever… just today. maybe tomorrow. who knows how long it will take, it could be a life-long adventure. it could just take a few hours.i’m restless.. I’m tired. I should sleep, but my fingers don’t want to stop. I think I’ll rest my head as I type.i think I’ll jut go with thi.s.. stop opening my eyes to see if I’m making too many mistakes.. this is nice, to be able to type freely.. without too much thought… “I don’t have much room to live…” my world is small. the people that I meet are rarely my own, they are someone elses.. and just borrow them. I just add them to my life, like stickers in a n album. at some point in time, they get peeled out and stuck to the bed frame. stuck there to scrape off farther along in our adult life… *I feel something happening inside me again.. happening to my writing… to the words in my head.. so it’s time for a change. time for new music… time for a bit of that Freedom that I wanted so badly…*
Thank you Paul (Oakenfold) for this wonderflu opportunity to write.. to not worry about the filter.. to just go with it.. to see where it takes me. where you take me..it doesn’t have to be a special memory, it doesn’t even have to be a memory, it can be new.. I can develop as we go.. like film… my camera.. I can take new photos and have those sold.. prints.. I am free again. I can tell. there is no real ‘transition’ between thoughts. I know that I’m probably not spelling anything correctly, but it doesn’t matter to me, I have thFreedom of Paul. I have the Freedom with the capital “F” that I craved so badly. I want to sail away, though I’m not really sure if I want to sail, or if my mind is just pulled in that direction because of things that I may lack in my life right now.. do I lack ‘inspiration’?? adventure?? I’d say that in different aspects of my life, those things exist. that in different areas of my life, there are different variables which affect me.. which pull me.. some of this makes sense to me, some of it doesn’t. my fingers are going way too fast for my brain to keep up.. I wish it wasn’t so.. I wish that I could just keep …..good….god.. flying… it hit me.. I was trying.. but.. … .. . I can’t think.. I can only feel. I just want to fly.. to float.. to submerge.. to dance.. I want this feeling ALL the time, though I know that I’m not allowed to have it. I wan to know what it’s like to be fully aware. to be fully alive. I hope this isn’t too hard to pull apart and make sense of of when I come back to it. god.. I want toroll around inn this musical masterpiece, I want to fuck it’s beats all night long… sweaty.. exercise of the mind.. I want to dive into it.. to swim though it like liquid goo. is this me?? is this mine? can it be that I am given this?? that it is there for the taking and I just have to reach out to take it? that would be… amazing. that would be.. a gift that I would treasure forever, though I think that I have to be in the right mind set. that I have to be in the right state of mind.
fuck. this is beautiful. fuck this… it’s… I can see the lights of the cars all around me.. I can see them as they whip by in some messy laser light show…. like time lapse photography on crack…. driving through traffic at night time… fuck this whole ‘idea/theme writing…’ I just want to write.. I don’t want to think.. I want to feel.. I want to hear the voices in my head.. I want to talk with them.. to learn from them … to understand what they say to me… to be like no other.. to be an individual.. I can’t keep on the same thought for too long.. I can’t think straight, my mind is working in curves… I just want to tap my fingers against the keyboard… not shaping thoughts.. sentences.. words.. none of it.. I just want alkjf j alkjd jalkdj d fa ff aj lkj sl jkjs ife somehow it feels so much better…. somehow, I don’t have to think quiie so much, though I’m still typing.. I’m still talking through my fingers.. and I can fee it.. I know it’s true.. I jstj kj kj akj ei .a,d k s call me insane.. call me what you want.. I’m NOT a visionary.. I just know me.. I know that I am making mistakes. I know that I am learning more and more about myself every second of this experience.. that I am figuring out who I am … what makes me tick.. I may not see it now.. but later.. I can FEEL it now.. and that’s all that matters… I could do this all night.. I could fly like this.. float like this.. feel this.. all night.. feel this.. like love.. it’s love. is that what this is? this is love? this is love for the music.. for the way that it affects me so strongly. I can see that.. I can see the appeal.. this music is one sexy mother fucker.
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and so that brings this entry to a close.. i need to do this again soon… since i got so caught up in my music.. in floating through my jello sky… good lord.. and it goes on.. i can’t stop again.. now that my fingers have started running along the keys once again, playing together on the vowels and consonants.. it’s amazing how quickly i become ensnared. i was ready to be DONE with this.. to finish this entry since it’s late and i have to work again soon.. but fuck.. i start typing and *BAM*… i’m back.. dancing in my room like a crazed lunatic (not really dancing, except for maybe in my head).
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i have so much in my life to be appreciative for… SO much.. sometimes i wonder how it is that i got here. how it is that i came to have an affect on ANYONES life.. let alone, the number of people that my presence in this world HAS affected. i’m not being egotistical, i’m just pointing out how many lives, my very own has crossed… how many people have become a part of my life, and i theirs… it just seems insane to me, that someone as young as i, can meet so many fantastic people. so many creative minds.. so many wonderful thinkers.. feelers… emoters… ignitors. if ever there was a moment for rejoicing.. it will be at the VERY moment of the conception of my final breath.. whenever that is.. whether it is now.. or thirty seconds from now… or thirty minutes from now.. or thirty YEARS from now, when i can look back at my life.. and realize how BEAUTIFUL it’s all been. regardless of pain. regardless of suffering. regardless of the lack of world peace, and viable inner city recycling programs.. regardless of the myriad of religions, many of whom are at war with one another… i don’t know if this is ‘middle class white kid’ talking.. or if it’s just the fact that i appreciate what is around me… that i see life through my VERY OWN eyes, and through THOSE eyes, i find beauty, i find happiness. i find love, and elation, and “hey”, “hi”… i find children smiling and the ability to draw in the snow while pissing. life is good.. things are TOTALLY unrelated yet all tied together by an invisible string. life is good.. regardless… regardles of what happens tomorrow.. regardless of shitty jobs, and bills.. regardless of lost friends, or loneliness.. regardless of death, pain, theft.. god.. fuck.. ANY of it. ANY of the negative things that you can think about.. life is STILL good. take my jeep.. take my television. take all my worldly possessions, and i will GUARANTEE you, that BEYOND the suffering for my ‘loss’.. i will STILL have those ‘moments’ in my life, when i can just think to myself, that i am happy.. that i am ‘there’… it doesn’t take money, or expensive vehicles, or ANY vehicle at all.. it doesn’t take huge circles of friends… it’s all just.. ‘good’.. you can’t deny this…
this is a sad, sad day. i can only imagine that there isn’t, but if there IS anyone out there in “LJ Land” that knows of any good hosts, could you PLEASE let me know. until then, i’m stuck without photography in my LJ. this is terrible.. just horrible.
