Monthly Archive for February, 2002

um… same drama.. same inner turmoil… so we won’t bother writing about that.

you know what’s fucked up? i’m working 7 days straight to have TWO days off on the weekend… and i looked at the weather forecast, and guess which are the ONLY two days that it’s supposed to rain this week?! guess! yeah, that’s right!!! Saturday and Sunday! the two days that i took off! GRRRrrr! oh well, guess i’ll just have to play in the rain?

let’s see.. i woke up at 10am today. that’s pretty early for me lately. the other day, i stayed in bed until 1pm… and i worked at 3pm. that’s sick. not healthy, bad… i should do more. but what to do, what to do… oh right, so i woke up at 10am, and i went to Goodwill. that place was PACKED. as usual, they didn’t have any good furniture. some lady behind me was buying an old suitcase that i wouldn’t have minded having. speaking of which, i still need to ‘bestow’ upon my mother, the old suitcase that i gave her for Christmas, for some reason, it’s still at MY house! hehe. i bought a book today… it’s a good book. a nice $25 coffee table/interior design book… and i paid 35 cents for it! BWAHAHA! and i bought a pillow. a nifty pillow.. one dollar. and it goes with my green chair that i bought last week.

i really need to finish stripping all the paint off of my hutch.. it’s been ‘unfinished’ for MONTHS now, and that’s just silly. maybe i’ll do that on Saturday when it’s RAINING OUTSIDE!! i sort of wanted to do something with Christine this weekend, which is why i took those two days off, but looking at current circumstances, i don’t see that happening. her brother is in town from St. Augustine, and she was telling me something about them going to Ybor this weekend, since he’s never been there… i don’t know.. whatever. i’ll find something to do. it’s INSANELY windy outside today. as i was driving across the Gandy Bridge, i had to fight to keep my jeep in my lane. the water on the bay is crazy.. there are waves! real waves!! bigguns too! it’s amazing how many different ‘personalities’ the water on the bay can take on, depending on the light, and the wind, and the clouds etc. it’s neat.. it’s like a painting that is always changing.

on another note… ERICA!!! IF YOU’RE STILL ALIVE, WRITE ME OR CALL OR SOMETHING!!! i tried calling her a few weeks back, and she picked up the phone and said.. “hello… hello?… hello??” and i was trying to talk with her, but she couldn’t hear a damn word i was saying! grrr.. so i called back, and tried again. same scenario. so i tried a THIRD time! same thing.. finally, on the fourth go.. she didn’t even pick up her phone… and i got her voice mail. that’s NO FUN at ALL! i hate cell phones. i’m going to write a poem one of these days titled “how do i hate cell phones, let me count the ways”… cuz there’s plenty of ways that i can think, but i won’t go into them now…

ummmmm.. and i think that’s all really. nothing exciting happens in my life… it’s all pretty ‘boring.’ i talked with a friend from work online last night. that was fun. we traded mp3’s. i like doin that.. i learn about a lot of different bands that way. AND, i found out that she’s an EverQuest junkie! haha.. that’s so cool. i’m going to have to start playing again, just so’s we can run around and kill shit together. that would be fun. and it’s not like i do anything BETTER with my time :p my room is getting messy again. i think my bedroom is ‘reflective’ of my state of mind… because when my life starts getting ‘messy’, so does my room it seems… and when things are good, my room is ‘clean’.. weeeeeeeeeeeird huh?! i still haven’t finished that puzzle that Kelly got me. it’s just not as ‘fun’ to do when there’s nobody here to do it with, so i told Kelly that she has to come over and help me finish it or it’s never going to get done.

hmmmm… sorry, i was just thinking about ’stuff that i’m not going to write about ie. Christine.’ it slipped in there… god i like that girl… and from what everyone has told me, the best thing to do is just give her the space that she requires and to let her call me… but it’s sooo hard… i can do it.. i can… no more drama… no more.. my life.. move along.. there’s nothing to see here. college. sailing… travels. vacation. camping, kayaking… bills… computer. Christine… grrr, that wasn’t supposed to be there… *grumble grumble* speaking of bills.. i should pay my internet bill before i get disconnected again. i think i’ll go do that now. doh! and rent is coming due!! DOH DOH! AND my Jeep payment is due on the first!! DAMNIT! i hate money. and i leave with that…

um… “wah wah wah… wah fuck-ity wah?” so let’s see… this is day two with no phone call.. and i’m getting better at not caring. i realize that all of this (the previous entries and now) must make me seem rather insane, though i hope not. i think lots of people go through the same shit.

anyhow… i was looking at previous entries… and i’m done feeling ’scared’ or ‘depressed’ or ‘crushed’. fuck that. yeah, i still want to call her. and yeah, i still hope she calls.. but in the end.. there’s not a damn thing i can do about it. she told me on the phone a few days ago, that i probably wouldn’t hear from her for most of this week because her grandmother is coming down from Boston, and her brother is going to be around too… so i guess when that happens… from what she said, she tends to ‘neglect’ the outside world and put all of her attention to her family. whatever.. we’ll see.

i need a vacation. i need some ’surety’.. some ‘control’. i tried to get my tattoo last night, but the fuckers wanted $300 for three solid black lines around my forearm… i don’t THINK so. i’m not paying that much to mark my body… anyone ever heard of ‘Sharpie?’ yeah, that’s what i thought. $300 is enough to pay for the seaplane out to the Dry Tortuga islands and back… and that’s something i’d rather do.

now i just have to find someone to do it with… i was hoping Christine and i wouldn’t have gone through the shit that we did. she was a ‘perfect’ person to be out on an island with… adventurous, good conversationalist, over-all cool person. oh well.. fuggit. maybe things with her and i will come around.. i really don’t know.

it’s true, that i keep hoping that one of these days, she will all of the sudden NOT be afraid of ‘relationships’ and just let things go with her and i.. i’m not saying, dive into being married, but at least.. not be afraid to let things happen because i fear that’s what is going on now. whatever…

it’s funny, it all comes back to ‘whatever’ because in all reality.. there’s NOTHING that i can do about it. for now, i battle trying to get back to where i was BEFORE i met Christine, because thinking about her is too much. and i fear that she doesn’t think about me or the situation HALF as much as i do. so for now, i try to keep myself going with other things… and that’s what i’ll do, that’s what i’m doing.

don’t get me wrong, it’s still a pain in my ass.. and it still hurts..and my insides are still being twisted and crushed all day long.. but that will be over eventually right? it’s like breaking an arm.

damn, i wish she’d call… (hahah… wow. this is silly)

i don’t want to write about it, because writing about it makes me think about it…

but i have no choice. i am here, in front of my computer and it beckons to me.

why can i not be comfortable? why could i NOT just let things be the way they were without analyzing every little ‘lack of a touch’ or a ‘hug’? that is UNHEALTHY, and it’s obviously cost me what could have been something good in the future. i freaked out Christine last night, and that scared the shit out of me… i didn’t want to be causing her pain like that. and it hurt me to watch.

i showed up at her apartment, and her friend opened the door (since he was over there cooking dinner). and so i walked in, and Christine came down the hall and passed me, on her way to doing something.. and said “hey, what’s goin on dude?” instantly, i felt uncomfortable. THAT is not how it was supposed to happen. i was cool with ‘taking things slow’ but in that very moment, i felt as though i had become ‘just another guy friend.’ i wanted a hug. i wanted a smile… something. but there was nothing. and that ‘nothing’ continued… there were no light touches as she passed, she sat on the other side of the room, next to Alan when she sat down… and yes people.. i REALIZE that i am analyzing WAY TOO MUCH.. i realize that it was caused by my own inner battles… so please don’t go responding to this, and tell me what i already know. it just sucks.. that’s what i’m saying. she obviously knew something was up because at one point, she sat down on the floor and said “alright dude, what’s wrong?” and… Alan was sitting RIGHT THERE on the couch (which sort of upset me, because i DIDN’T want to ‘talk’ with some guy sitting there on the couch.) i said “i just feel…. weird.”

she said, “how?”
i said, “with us…”

and then she gave me that look… the “oh shit, he’s freakin out on me, and making this complicated…” look.

and it went from there. Alan left, and it started back up… to some extent. mostly there was just a lot of me feeling like a dick, and moron… and her being upset (which i really didn’t like seeing.) God.. fuck… i don’t want to write any more.. my chest hurts. it pretty much ended VERY uncomfortably, with her saying … “well, i’m going to Hooters to meet Hector.” and that was that…

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuc kfufkcu cukfj fu ckk ckf uckj fkuck fufuck uf kcu fkfk………..

so i guess that’s it then… i guess. unless -i- find a way to be comfortable around her.. being JUST a friend.. and that’s ALL… there is no way that i’d be able to spend time around her without making things uncomfortable again. she’d see it, in my eyes.. or my actions.. or the way that i talked.

i’m amazed at how much this hurts… i talked with Morgan and Heather last night (which helped.. thank you.) during the conversation… i was crying… shaking, and moaning, and rocking back and forth.. drooling on myself with snot coming out my nose. it hurt.. and like i told them last night.. the last time i hurt this bad, was when i realized that i was never going to see Danielle (the only girl i’ve ever TRULY been in love with) again. i don’t like feeling this way. and i have no idea where it came from.

on a different note… it’s raining outside today… on guess what? mY DAY OFF!!! fuck this! i requested to have next Saturday and Sunday off… i have no idea why. i guess i was hoping that i could plan a trip or something.. WITH SOMEONE.. but now it doesn’t appear that i am going to be. anyhow.. to make it possible for me to have that day off.. i now have to work, the entire week straight. which means.. after today, my rainy day off (how fitting with current circumstances), i have to work Sat-Friday of next week. that SUCKS.

i want to crawl back into bed… i think i’m going to. goodbye world. wake me when it’s over.

‘fuck you world… and fuck me while i’m at it…’

i’m tired.

i feel like i’m going to puke.

am i really that screwed up that i can ruin something that could have been good in only a day?!

fuck.

it’s everything and more… and i’m scared shitless…