the fridge was really disgusting. yes, i JUST now got finished cleaning it. i’ve spent [mostly my brother Sheldon] the last many hours ‘cleaning’ Pattys computer. she had the kind of computer that, when you start up the web browser, you get five other windows popping up in your face telling ‘you’ that “YOU’VE WON”, or trying to get you to buy a new webcam “FOR ONLY $19.95″… it should be illegal to ‘invade’ your space like that, even if it IS just on a computer. can i not find a ‘quiet’ place, free from the terrors of advertising. i realize that the world is hell-bent on consumerism [i am guilty of this too] but please, dear God, give me SOME peace. she also had, many unused applications or things that were just taking up space. so, i took it upon myself to ‘clean’ her computer, and rid her of these evil things. it took forever! i forgot to write down her hardware info, so when the reinstall was finally complete, we [my brother mostly, since he seems to know more about this] had to search the internet for S/N’s and P/N’s to her ethernet card and her video card, and then we had to find applicable drivers. all in all, it was a learning experience for me, a pain in the ass for my brother, and it really didn’t affect Patty i don’t think [other than her thoughts of 'oh my god, what are they doing to my computer' which i can only guess she had] so enough ‘cleaning’ for one week. now she has MORE space, MORE processing ability, LESS crap throwing itself into her face… en toto, worth it. i also installed ‘The Sims’ on her computer in case she got bored. hehe. well, now that all applicable parts are dry, i should go put the shelves etc. back in the fridge so i can get some sleep. oh, i put out the garbage too… at 4am. that’s just wonderful…
Monthly Archive for November, 2001
just wanted to share this…
“The Sweeper of Dreams”
After all the dreaming is over, after you wake, and leave the world of madness and glory for the mundane day-lit daily grind, through the wreckage of your abandoned fancies walks the sweeper of dreams.
Who knows what he was when he was alive? Or if, for that matter, he ever was alive. He cerainly will not answer your questions. The sweeper talks little, in his gruff gray voice, and when he does speak it is mostly about the weather and the prospects, victories and defeats of certain sports teams. He despises everone who is not him.
Just as you wake he comes to you, and he sweeps up kingdoms and castles, and angels and owls, mountains and oceans. He sweeps up the lust and the love and the loveers, the sages who are not butterflies, the fowers of meant, the running of the deer and the sinking of the Lusitania. He sweeps up everting you left behind in your dreams, the life you wore, the eyes through which you gazed, the examination paper you were never able to find. One by one he sweeps them away: the sharp-toothed woman who sank her teeth into your face; the nuns in the woods; the dead arm that broke through the tepid water of the bath; the scarlet worms that craled in your chest when you opened your shirt.
He will sweep it up-everything you left behind when you woke. And then he will burn it, to leave the stage fresh for your dreams tomorrow.
Treat him well, if you see him. Be polite with him. Ask him no questions. Applaud his teams’ victories, commiserate with him over their losses, agree with him about the weather. Give him the respect he feels is his due.
For there are people he no longer visits, the sweeper of dreams, with his hand-rolled cigarettes and his dragon tattoo.
You’ve seen them. They have mouths that twitch, and eyes that stare, and they babble and they mewl and they whimper. Some of them walk the cities in ragged clothes, their belongings under their arms. Others of their number are locked in the dark, in places where they can no longer harm themselves or others. They are not mad, or rather, the loss of their sanity is the lesser of their problems. It is worse than madness. They will tell you, if you let them: they are the ones who live, each day, in the wreckage of their dreams.
And if the sweeper of dreams leaves you, he will never come back.
[taken from 'Smoke and Mirrors' by Neil Gaiman]
i think it’s time for another update…just real quick. the claim is, i got the job at Target. i was talking with BreAnna last night, and she mentioned something about the temperature of your urine being the determining factor of the ‘pass’ or ‘fail’ with the drug test. then, i thought back, and recall the lady who took my ’sample’ saying “your temperature is above 90 degrees, so you’re good.” at the time, it didn’t really mean anything to me. i just thought that she was talking “drug test woman babble.” then, this morning, while i was still pretty much sleeping, Target called and said that Orientation had been moved to NEXT Thursday. i’m taking that as “i got the job.” so Woohoo! that was fun… i guess i am going to be working in the “Garden Center” which is cool, because unless i get called up to a register… i won’t have to deal with the majority of the X-mas shopping experience. mostly, it’s just the Christmas trees that i have to help with. so, that’s that… i’m off to be one with the day, maybe get some stuff done that needs doing…
um…wow. okay this is a little strange, and it scares even myself. i JUST woke up about ten minutes ago, and came here to check my e-mail etc. i remembered typing some sort of journal entry last night or this morning so i figurd i’d check that out too. and after reading what i wrote, i’m a little worried. there me some logical explanation for it that i’m just not thinking about right now because i’m still pretty ’sleepy’… but did i write that?!@# WTF was i talking about? the scary thing is, i remember last night. i remember talking to people online, remember things that were said. i remember feeling sort of ’self conscious’ about being drunk while talking with my friends online. i EVEN… remember typing my ‘journal entry.’ and i remember that when i was typing, i’d go off on a little tangent every now and then and then i’d delete most of it. there is a DEFINATE difference in the BEGINNING of that entry vs. the garbled shit at the END of that entry. i just don’t know…that’s a little scary. did i type that shit?
damn i feel like a jack-ass for being so drunk… i realize that a select number of you will be concerned about me, but i truly hope that you are not. i have returned to the world as a skinny man, no more than 18 yrs. old. i am in desperate need of a job. i’m not sure that ANy of this will really makes sense, but as a disclaimer, i’ve had A LOT to drink… if i can count correctly, i’ve had 8 beers and the bottom 1/3rd of a ‘regular’ sized bottle of wine. Chris wasn’t going to drink it, so i’d figured i’d check it out. and lo and behold… well, nevermind. i truly cannot think straight. i, for some reason, seem to be a typist, a journalist, but in know in my mond or some other magic, you are whisked away to a place of infinite jobs! if it’s photo shope some of th e”hphono bexyard” a real ’spttt’ they is the place in your chigren…
well, here now, what have benen into biiger.
i’m hink slead that he’s missing a quid every noon
i’
basically, i just want to appologize [i know a lot of you say, "what the fuck for"?] when it comes to a celebration after a LONG time sat there in the Catholic church. Then, later after the fact, the post Doctor had been called once, only once, into the shadows of ‘deaf’.
so, i’m guessing through my city at night, a rip in th skies at night. that is the space thati am concerded. all fo which isa will dosave tree… well, to keep myself from making an ‘as you’re sterophibic… and i dont’ peerevelvet?
yah, well…i’m not sure that movie woeks. anyhow, i can’t tell for the life wnt
well, i don’t know if she can take oyu ‘living’ in, beitga ll liek up?!
so, what are some of your goals?
Travel!?
rom!?
dolunteer
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tss [erru tjat ypi ala wpw. i’d n;a,e cpplomg cpwe;s ot//tjats empigjt fpr ypi if youare bruing, and teach ther test
we..i’m going to find aboout the antels..tat’s soec. wow, i must be REALLY tired, fone ofht
well, i did it… it feels strange, a bit scary. i just got online, and issued myself a $6,000 check from Charles Schwab my investment company. that wasn’t all of the money that i had available to me, but it was enough for me to pay off my credit card, and have enough for Volunteers For Peace, if that is the organization that i choose to go with. i really do feel dead-set that VFP [or something similar] is what i want to do with this next small portion of my life. i need to be careful with this part. i KNOW how i am… and i know what might happen [i think i expanded on that in a previous entry]. i need to be damn sure, that when that check get’s here, it goes straight into my account with MacDill Credit Union [that way, my mother won't know what i'm doing. it's amazing how much i fear what my parents think about how i lead my life.] and then, i need to make sure that i get a check written to AAFES [Air Force credit card] and pay that thing off. i wonder if i chose to get online THIS MORNING, and request a check as a ’sneaky’ way to maybe justify NOT worrying about getting a job for right now, since i’ve got a $6,000 check coming soon. Damn, this feels like the movie “Me, Myself and Irene.” i feel as though i am constantly at war with another ‘me’. on one hand, there is the ‘childish’ me, that wants to sit around on his ass, being supported by god-only-knows who, and ONLY doing WHAT he want’s, and WHEN he wants to do it. on the other hand, there is the ‘responsible, more adult me’ who knows what is a good decision and what isn’t. who knows that a person should have goals, and that i REALLY don’t want to sit around on my ass, because if i do, i have to put up with the shit which rolls down from ‘on high [the parents].’ alright…enough of this, although it’s fun to pick myself apart, i really need to get some stuff done. one of which is to go fail a drug test…
what is it with me? i have this horrible urge to just SKIP the drug test, even though this might be my ONE avenue for a job!! it’s similar to when i’d wake up in the morning, and just not feel like going to school, so i wouldn’t; or i’d just not feel like going to work, so i’d call in sick. why am i like this i wonder? was it conditioning somehow by my parents, or by some other aspect of my life? is it laziness or something else? i don’t really feel ‘lazy.’ when i was at work, i’d work hard. when i finally do set my mind to something, i work at it. so is there another term for my ‘disease’? i’m going to FORCE myself to go to my drug test, even if failure is lingering happily on the horizon. and when i get home, i’m going to force myself to go back to Cheesecake Factory with my brother even though dishwashing doesn’t really sound like something i’m ‘up for’. my God. i hope that everyone has similar internal battles. if not, i’d feel ‘dirty or corrupted’ in a way. and i guess, to save myself time, i should really look for the birth certificate now so that i can stop at Kinkos on the way home. well, “Ready or not, here we come Day! please be kind to me!”
I’ve been looking at Overseas Volunteer work with an organization called Volunteers For Peace [http://www.vfp.org]. I am certainly optimistic about the possibility of me joining up with them. only a few things hold me back right now, and I either need to do something about it, or not… but I have to stop being so undecided. my jeep is my MAIN source of outgoing expense, $550 a month to be exact. that’s a lot… I would have to cover that while I was gone for a month to wherever it was that I chose to volunteer. there’s no way in hell. from a financial standpoint, getting rid of that vehicle would be one of THE most intelligent decisions I’ve made in a long time. the $550 a month doesn’t even include what I pay in gas and other misc. expenses. so you’d think that the decision was an obvious one. it’s really hard. I LIKE having a jeep to drive around in. it’s fun. but then, I have to ask myself how much that fun is worth. and I know in my heart, that it’s not worth as much as it’s costing me. I’d much rather not have to worry about not being able to make my next payment. tomorrow… tomorrow I’m going to call the Tampa Tribune and get an ad in the paper. I need to find out what it’s worth. I hope that it’s at least worth somewhere in the area of what I owe on it. it won’t bother me even if I have to pay an extra thousand dollars to pay off my loan. in the long run, my selling it will have saved me money. once that’s done, all I have to worry about are small bills i.e.. internet, phone, credit card, all of which don’t really amount to much. come January, I have to start paying rent to my parents. that was the deal. but we now have a roommate, so the rent isn’t going to be outstanding.
the workgroups for this organization are usually about one month long, so I’d just have to have enough money to cover the month that I was gone. I need to get a copy of my birth certificate tomorrow so that I can send that stuff out to Schwab. I also need to look online to find out exactly what my portfolio is worth so I’ll know what sort of money I’m looking at having ‘at my disposal.’ if I can help it, I really don’t want to spend IT ALL, so I have to be careful with this little procedure. knowing myself, I could have $9,000 spent in no time at all. if it get’s put towards things like going to Europe or this ‘volunteer’ program etc, I’ll be all right with that… but even though I am constantly bludgeoning my obsession for material things, I sure wouldn’t mind having a kayak, or a nice shiny new mountain bike [that I'd never use in this godforsaken state], or some camping gear etc. so I just need to be careful.
so…my list for tomorrow is as follows:
>go take drug test in the morning
>find out what Jeep is worth and get an ad in the newspaper
>find a place to photocopy my birth certificate
>find the money order from LAST MONTH [which is hiding somewhere on my floor] so I can send that out and pay Novembers Jeep payment
>get address for Charles Schwab office and send out birth certificate copy, and letter of consent from my father [damn, I have to find both of those as well]
>go to Cheesecake Factory with Chris to talk to the kitchen manager guy about job [we went today, but he was swamped and asked us to come back]
>clean out the fridge
>…
I guess that’s all I can think of right now, as far as things that I NEED to do.
I wonder if my life is really more “normal” than I perceive it to be.
well, I have a job if I can pass the drug test tomorrow… gah! the stress! Target wants to hire me. and BOY am I ever excited!!@# [note the sarcasm there] I guess if that doesn’t work, I’ll just have to keep looking. I need to get something done today… laundry, clean the house, wash the rest of the dishes, clean my room, clean out my jeep, put an ad in the paper to sell it… something.
I’m currently drinking LOTS of water. the claim is, that will help out a lot.
I can’t seem to get over how backwards my life is going. I go from making good money in the Air Force, with benefits, working three days a week and sometimes less… to working in a warehouse making $8.00 an hour and hating my job, to POSSIBLY working at Target for $6.25 an hour. I wonder if this is all my doing? is this something that I can change if I want to and I’m just too lazy to? have I chosen this for my life? I feel like maybe I have chosen this and that’s just no good. I would have thought myself more capable than this, but it appears that I’m wrong.
“We all know the habit of cats of hesitating in an open doorway. Which of us has not said to a cat, ‘Well, come in if you want to?’ There are men who, in moments when a decision is called for, hover uncertainly like the cat, at the risk of being crushed by the closing of the door. These cautious spirits may run greater risks than those who are more daring. ” [Victor Hugo 'Les Miserables]
I fear that I am the cat…hesitating in many open doorways, only to end up retreating back to the comfort of familiarity. I need to break this cycle at some point. I need to make an intelligent, motivated decision to get off my ass, and push forth in my life. I sit here, day in and day out, waiting for something drastic to happen; drastic enough to give me no choice but to make yet another decision. that I think, was sort of my motivation for joining the Air Force. I applied to TWO colleges, no…make that one [Colorado State University, the other is just a lie that I tell myself, and at times, seem to honestly believe] when I didn’t get a guaranteed acceptance, I just waited. waited till I graduated and had no choice but to make another decision, the easiest of which, was to join the Air Force where they would in essence, take care of me while giving me a pay check. god, having a clear understanding of your own behaviors is sometimes NOT a blessing.
woohoo! i just got a call from Target!! i’m so excited. well, not really but… i guess i’d better call this person back so i can get a job. i’m a little concerned though. the last time that i smoked (herbal) was about three weeks ago and i’m not sure how long that shit stays in your system. hmm… ahh well. i’m gonna go call this guy back and see what he wants
